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Current Mood: exhausted

Well, then

It's been an interesting few weeks, I must say. Decided to take on a 21 day fast. Not of food, but of comfort, of Youtube. It's both easier and more difficult than I anticipated. I waste a lot of time per day on youtube, so not using it has given me a lot more free time. I think I've missed it most during the down-time moments, like during meals, or when I am pooped and just want to veg. I have found myself sitting back and listening to a lot of music while at home, usually while mindlessly playing a bunch of solitaire. I'm hoping that by the time this fast ends, I'll have properly weaned myself from using it too much, and will have to keep an eye on the overall consumption. While I don't want to be rid of it, I don't want it to be like it was before. My time feels less wasted, and while I do feel bored more often, sometimes that's a good thing.

I did discover, almost immediately, in fact, that I was self-medicating a lot of pain. The first week, starting literally the second day of the fast, I was on the verge of tears multiple times a day. Never at an opportune time, like at home, where I could sit in it an just let it all out either, nope. Usually driving, listening to certain songs, or even just reading random things. Once or twice at work. I felt...delicate, and my heart just hurt constantly. Had to have a few long journaling sessions late at night with God to work through some of it. Not that I really fixed anything, but certainly something is better than it was.

Week two was things breaking, namely my watch and my car. The latter being backed/rolled into on a steep hill by a teenage girl who felt absolutely terrible about the whole thing. Daughter of a single mother working two jobs... After thought on the matter and speaking with the mother, I decided to get it mostly fixed, but keep insurance out of it and they're just pay out of pocket. Insurance is the worst, and I wasn't going to be the instigator for screwing over their rates for years. Not my fault, but I really feel the grace to be merciful in this, so I will.

This week was...rough. Basically a lot of emotional/hormonal shit. Intensified lust, temptation, depression, despair, loneliness, and like all at once. Last night it was a sudden burst of anger. Definitely spiritual in nature. I'm better at fighting off anger for the most part though, so it was thankfully short lived.

Overall, this fast has definitely been a spate of tests, temptations, frustrations, and general battling. Oof. I'm a bit frazzled.

Current Mood: artistic

Entry tags:

poem

Ode to a cute streamer

I don't really know you
You will never know me
Who are you really
So beguiling, with nothing more
Than a lovely face and pleasant voice
Playing, watching, chatting
You're the girl I would ask out
In any other circumstance
But like a television crush,
Never the two shall meet
This is weird

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Square Things - Jonathan Coulton

Naval gazing at its finest

I somewhat randomly decided to check out some old poetry/writing posts I've accumulated over the years and have to say wow. I mean sure, plenty of whatever and garbage, but there are some real gems I managed to crank out in some of my better moments of creativity. I also saved a few writing prompt ideas I had and rereading them makes me genuinely laugh. Like an idea for a story about a house run by AI that turns out to actually just be a helpful ghost that pretends. Or a mad scientist super-villain who so utterly despises humanity but is much beloved because he keeps accidentally saving the world. Like he creates a virus that mutates and cures cancer, or unleashes a giant robot that happens to destroy a monster that suddenly shows up, etc.

There's just something about high levels of angst that seem to inspire a lot of creativity it would seem. I was certainly quite prolific in the early years, at the heights of depression and anxiety. Probably helped that there wasn't nearly as much to distract one's self with in those days. Youtube didn't even exist until later in my college years and even then there wasn't nearly the kind of content there is today to waste time. Nothing quite like boredom and emotional turmoil, yeah?

I enjoy writing small things. I really should take time to do it more. Taking the time out to draw each week has certainly improved my life in a number of ways. Though that is certainly aided by leaving my computer behind when I go to the coffee shop to draw. Not like I could lug a desktop with me anyway... Far too many distractions in front of the computer though, which is where I do my best writing.

Current Mood: nostalgic

Agreed, me

I really need to update this more often. Months between entries is certainly far too infrequent. I've got a streak of not giving up that needs to continue. I've had this thing (well, livejournal, but ported over) since like 2002 or so. Mustn't let it fade into nothingness. Granted, I haven't needed journaling in general as an outlet nearly as much as when I was in my teens and twenties and the height of my anxiety/depression/general hormonal peaks. Man do I not miss those extremes.

Though it also was the font of a lot of creativity in terms of writing. Every few years I'll go back and reread some of those early entries (from twenty years ago now, holy cow) and, ignoring the more emotionally fraught crap, a lot of it was really funny and creative. Some of it still makes me laugh and deeply, so I know it was quality. Pity so many of my funny things now go unwritten. Even worse, much of it is wasted on my usual audience. Ah well.

Errant thought

This occurs to me on a semi-regular basis: basically every time I watch or think about the Terminator movies. The question is simple: who was John Conner's original father? The movie has an inherent paradox in Reese being his father from the future. In the very first timeline, whenever it happened to be, before any time travel was invented, how did John Conner come to be? Did he have a different father the first time that got overwritten by Reese being sent back? This gnaws at my brain some days.

It's been a long week

Long few months, really. Wednesday I helped a friend move. Thursday through Saturday I was moving. I am thoroughly wiped now. My new room is slowly accumulating pathways amidst the clutter of boxes and bags through which I can traverse. I hate moving with a fiery passion, but this one was definitely necessary for my peace. My old place hadn't felt like home in months and I often dreaded going home. My roommates had a kind of cold war vibe going and it was time to go. I'm paying like $300 more a month now than I was, but I was going to be paying half that in rent increase had a I stayed anyway, and at least now I have a larger room and my own bathroom. The peace is the most important part though.

In two days I've already had as much conversation as months worth at the old place. Yeesh, but also yay.

It's closer to work, which is nice, though I'll now have to daily use a particularly unpleasant overpass and roundabout that isn't the safest. Ah well.

Lots of odds and ends to talk about, but not a lot of energy at the moment.

Oof

I've had an...odd week, I must say. Odd couple of months, honestly. First week or two into a new job and had my radiator blow a hole, needing to be replaced for a good chunk of change. A few weeks later, I failed emissions and had to wait a few weeks for my mechanic to get back from South Africa and do a major tune-up on it. Then like two weeks ago had one of my glass lenses suddenly craze heavily, with about a 1/5th of it becoming blurry. Naturally, had to drop a good chunk on an eye exam and new lenses/frames. Each of the three events cost me maybe $850-900 per. Then I scheduled a follow-up emissions test for this past Tuesday so I could hopefully pass, pay a few hundred in late fees, and make my car plates legal again.

...Aaaaand last Friday my car was stolen, right outta the driveway. Definitely a first for me. Honestly a bit of a surprise, my car being so old. But that might actually have been why, as it was too old to have any sort of anti-theft system. I think I handled it well, all told. Was informed by the officer who came that in this town they have a very high rate of recovery, though obviously no guarantee on if or when. The next day I was starting to feel a little down, but got a lift to a car dealership just to see if I could afford anything in the near future. Got out next to the car I had been looking at online, and somehow managed to drive out in it an hour or so later. Had to near max out my credit card for the down payment, but it was just perfect amount. More than that, I somehow managed, for a first time loan even, to get a really, really good rate for right now. 5 something % I think it was. Perfect timing, basically.

They did recover the old car this past Tuesday, and to add insult to injury I had to have it towed for $315. They had abandoned it, but not before taking the few nice things I had in there, such as new sun shades and a nice ice scraper, along with the battery and siphoned the gas. I couldn't tell, but there was a very good chance they took the catalytic converter as well, but even if they hadn't, the car would barely have sold for a few hundred at best for parts. I am incredibly grateful to God that they left my sun glasses though (which are usually one of the first things people steal), as they were specially designed to go over regular glasses and have side panels for peripheral vision, overall being rather unique. Grabbed those, a second, small and crappy ice scraper, and gave the tow yard my pink slip so they could deal with it. I honestly got a little choked up saying goodby to it. Car was a little trooper that had been in the family for a good 20 years and survived all sorts of things. 248,000 miles and still (after the tuneup anyway) averaging 30mpg.

Apart from the having just dropped a good $2k on the old car over the past few months, only to have to let it go for literally no money (not to mention an additional 300 for the tow, thank you), I'm surprisingly okay.

So many things over the past few months, both mentioned and not, have felt like a very distinct pattern of God breaking things for me and replacing them with new things. Overall it seems like a generally positive thing, though most of us dislike like major life changes, particularly unexpectedly. I'm honestly not even certain what to feel. I think there are some feelings in there already, but feel oddly unknown and out of sync, so I'm just kind of...I don't even know. Like the neutral beings in Futurama, I have no strong feelings one way or another...that I'm aware of.

But hey, nice new car (and debt to go with it, woo). And new glasses. And new emotions maybe.

Odds bodkins

Once again I find myself caught in the jaws of Postmodern Jukebox and loving every minute of it. Been listening to a lot of jazz music from the ~40s to begin with, and they always do a terrific old school rendition of modern stuff. Fairly fun to watch the videos too.

Meanwhile, I've been sucked, temporarily, into the abyss that is Vampire Survivors. Honestly, it's a fairly simplistic-looking game that shouldn't work nearly as well as it does. You don't even push any buttons. You literally just guide your character around the screen with randomly placed waves of increasing tougher enemies. It's the items and the rogue-lite aspect that keeps one coming back, I think. And there seems to be a million things to unlock. Doesn't hurt that the game is literally $5 and the two expansions still make the whole thing cost less than $10. I blame youtube and Ironmouse for introducing it to me.

Dang, too long

I keep thinking about posting here, but then forget about it. Far past time to do so again. Been unemployed since April, which has been weird. First time on unemployment. It's weird. But at least it's helped me not to panic.

I had a dream the other night that I keep thinking about. Do you ever have dreams that get derailed because you're trying to type something in but can't ever get it right? I hate those. It doesn't matter whether it's a phone number, password, address, or whatever, but because that part of the brain is asleep it will never come out properly. My guess is that some people, when coming across such a moment in their dreams, will either just move on with it, or their dreams will shift to fit, but my mind does not do that. Instead, whatever my dream is doing gets derailed while I spend the remainder of the time erasing and redoing the same part, over and over and over and... I usually wake up frustrated from such dreams. Even when dreaming I get frustrated, because I know that it should be simple.

Current Mood: chipper

Haha

You ever feel simultaneously brilliant/accomplished and dumb? Yeah, that's me this evening. I had to replace the inner door handle of my car today, and did it without looking anything up. The old one broke a while back, but was still functional enough, but a few days ago broke off completely, making it nearly impossible to open from the inside without a lot of effort. Thankfully, I drive a '95 Toyota, and a bare-bones one at that, so nothing fancy required. But, as part of the old one was broken, I had a decent idea of how things went, but juuuuust slightly off. Wasted a good twenty minutes trying to get the metal hook go over the inner handle part, only to realize after much frustration that it went through, not around. Oof. On the other hand, I figured it out and fixed my car all by myself. I feel every bit as accomplished as when I had to replace my toilet seat, which had unusual bolts that were incredibly difficult to remove. Makes me feel like a proper adult.

Also, dang, I've been silent here for far too long. I refuse to just peter out! There have definitely been a lot going on over the past few months, but I shall have to reserve that for another time. Dang, but it's fun to type with this super-clicky keyboard I bought on Black Friday. Clicky-clacky! Far too expensive, but I haven't regretted it! Nor the upgraded video card. I use the keyboard more often than the card, but still.

Current Mood: contemplative

Been a while

How many times have I written such words here, I wonder. Been a bit busier of late, mostly thankfully. I continue to go to coffee shops several times a week and draw for an hour or so. After more than half a year of doing so, I am happy to note that I have improved quite a bit. Mostly in terms of speed, consistency, and general quality. I'm so much more proud of my work than I have ever been. I tend to vacillate between more comic book type drawings and more cartoon-y things. I've been told, and agree, that I have a gift/predilection for the cartoonish but, as with many of my interests, I can't settle down on just one thing.

I've been in my new place for several months now, but only just got around to setting up my digital drawing tablet this past week. Took a few days of pounding my head into the wall to figure out that I was plugging it into the wrong hdmi port, and then another few days tearing my room apart to find the location of the wireless pen, but am happy to report it is now working as intended. I even took it for a spin last night for an hour or so, testing various settings and doodling a few things. The only annoyance I have is that the tablet acts as a second screen, even when turned off, which wouldn't be an issue, except that when opening programs, the computer will occasionally choose to open them on the part I can't see. I've had this issue previously in Windows, and now in Linux, so it seems to sadly be a common problem that is not easily rectified.

I feel like the art thing is becoming more important to my general life, but I haven't the foggiest if that means anything. It may just be a hobby that I become particularly gifted at, but I think it could be cool to do something more with it too. I feel much the same desire to utilize my computer science degree for something. I did once consider video games as an occupation, and my disparate interests do align therein, but I haven't the foggiest where to start, or how.

(no subject)

Been a while. Been working a lot, and going to coffee shops a lot. I go like maybe 3 times a week, and my mental health is a lot better for it. Still gets lonely at times, but still much better than being home all by my lonesome. I have a roommate, but he's not one to communicate much. Ever since I read through a major book series or two, I didn't know what to do with myself when I would go to the coffee shop, so I started bringing my sketchpad. I tend to go through periods of artistic creativity, but this is probably the longest sustained, consistency in so doing. I've been taking D&D books as reference for monsters and such, and bought a book on sketching people for comics. I'm noticing a bit of improvement overall, though there are definitely a lot of duds still. Still, I'm quite pleased with the progress I'm making, especially in better expressing an idea onto the page. At some point I'll have to use my phone to scan in some of them into the computer so I can put them online or work on them digitally. Digital can't do certain things, and physical can't do others, but together you can make some really amazing pictures.

Entry tags:

ponder

Is it just me?

...Or is Encanto, for all of its flash and catchy music, rather hollow? I love me a good Disney movie, though never really got the appeal of Frozen, but at least that one had a decent enough story line. Encanto feels entirely too short. It has many great little moments and all, but it feels like we spend so much time getting to know each individual that there's very little time for the plot. I wasn't planning on ever watching it, but a deluge of youtube videos raving about the music intrigued me enough to try. Honestly, it made me want to immediately go watch Tangled or Moana. As if it were an appetizer.

Odds and ends. And money.

Been an interesting few weeks. Dropped a whole wad of cash between getting my car fixed of several important problems and doing likewise with my teeth. It's been over ten years since my last dentist check-up, so it was past due. The growing hole in one of my more important teeth followed by some sensitivity finally moved me to seek out a dentist. Found one, though I don't have insurance, so it's been pricey, and that's just for the cleaning and gum stuff. I might need a root canal in the near future, though hopefully not, and that could run me $1,400+. I'm much grateful to having an income that allows me to do so, at least. Also, it helps immensely that my guy who fixed my car gave me a great deal.

More to say, but not at the moment.

Fin

Took me a few months of chipping away at it, but I have finally finished the Malazan decology. I've been reading and re-reading much of it for years, but finally made myself push through and finish. It's bittersweet, honestly. I'm glad to have finished it, and it wasn't a bad ending, yet I'm finding myself bereft of the world I've been so immersing myself in for so long now. Simultaneously, the game I've been playing, alternating with the reading, has basically come to an end. I need something new to captivate me. I bought a few new books this weekend, but had to throw one away after maybe a quarter of it.

(no subject)

Been too long since last I posted. Couldn't really help it, though. First I tripped and injured my wrist, making typing extremely limited. Followed about a week later with me catching covid. For various reasons, I was not vaccinated. Thankfully, having had it, I now have the natural immunities (though stupid OSHA only allows for unnatural antibodies in order to not wear a mask at work?). I remember back when I caught the swine flu years ago. That hit harder, but covid seemed to last longer. I had body aches and a headache for over a week, along with the occasional chill, and eventually lost taste and smell for about a week. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to get those back so rapidly. I know people who went like 3 months to get it back. I think I got back like 80% or so within a week and it's at least back to 95% now. Only having textures when you eat is bizarre.

Thankfully, breathing issues were minimal. I would be short of breath on occasion, and had a few days of coughing, but otherwise everything was fine there. I'm fairly certain I caught a mild case of covid last year and this was the delta, which basically hit me like a nasty flu. And nasty flu seems to be what it's turning into for those who have the antibodies going forward. I'm grateful that it wasn't worse.

Sadly, though my covid is all better, my injured wrist is still an issue, though mildly so. Some days it will be almost back to normal, then I'll do something, or will go to sleep, and it'll go back to being painful and difficult to do much with. I've taken to wearing the wrist thing they gave me intermittently. It seems to help sometimes, but not always. I think it depends on how tightly I strap it, but even after weeks can't figure out the exact right amount. Ah well.

Smokey

A veritable fog of smoke rolled into town yesterday. It's been a little hazy over the past month or so due to fires here or there, but nothing major until last night. 'Twas so thick that I couldn't see more than a block away. It's better today, though it's still incredibly hazy and one can't see much more than a mile or so away. The fires aren't terrible, but they are upwind, so lots of smoke. We're definitely in the zone of air being harmful to breathe over time.

I also managed to find a job last week. I like the job itself, but I'm not entirely sure about the physical environment. It's an office situated in the middle of a machine shop, so I've been dealing with some very loud, screeching machinery that bothers me, as well as pulses the power enough that the florescent lights pulse too. The combination is hardly optimal. We'll see if I adjust, or if I break. Time will tell.

Ugh

While my housing situation is now fine, my work and romantic life have gone to hell. I'm rather regretting giving even two weeks, honestly. Not that I'm being treated poorly or anything, but it just seems to be dragging now, and that's to say nothing of the INCREDIBLY awkwardness that has suddenly arisen. Cliff notes version, one of my coworkers (not a superior or anything like that) and I have been texting back and forth for several months now. I've made my interest in her obvious, and while I was flirty, I don't think I ever fell into anything inappropriate. Heck, I tended to tell my mom later on each time I got the chance, to run things past her. Girl has had a lot of hurt in her life and while shy seemed to respond to my various communications. I'd send her funny videos, or say uplifting things randomly. I even gave her numerous, easy outs, letting her know that if ever I got over-effusive or ever stepped over any line for her, she was to just tell me. Once I basically told her to tell me to shut up if she needed to and I would take no offense. Not once did she take the out, and several times let me know that I hadn't stepped on any toes or anything.

Then I had to go and tell her that I really liked her. She knew, of course, but while she didn't think she and I were on the same path, as she put it, she assured me that I was okay. I informed her very clearly that while I still thought she might be the one for me, I would not in any way attempt to force anything, basically leaving anything in the future up to her. I told her I would still try to encourage her, as she is often down and sad and seemed to appreciate words of encouragement. So imagine my surprise when, yesterday morning, seeing as how we were busy, I sent a text telling her to hang in there, only to have my boss stop by a little while later to tell me that me texting her at work was incredibly inappropriate and that I had made her feel awkward. I didn't bring up that people at work often message each other, boss included, nor the fact that the she and I had been in conversation for months. More than anything, I was a massive mixture of shame, awkwardness, and feeling betrayed. My boss said that had I not just put in my two weeks, I would have been let go right there. I understand how charged workplace harassment stuff is, but considering how chaste our conversations have been, with nary as much as an innuendo involved, I feel it unnecessarily harsh. I followed up with my boss later, saying how terrible I felt about it and that if she needed me to go, I could skip the two weeks, but she said she had talked to the woman and she was fine with me sticking around, so I think my boss realized it wasn't as crazy as all that.

Still, it felt like such a punch in the gut. I've been seriously interested in this woman since I met her, and have done my best to give her space and not come on too strong or try to force anything. She clearly responded to some degree and never took any of the easy outs that I offered her, only to suddenly feel the need to get an intermediary involved (potentially getting me fired, no less) rocked me. She and I have studiously avoided each other since. She avoids my gaze, as I do hers, and she sometimes has a look on her face either of guilt, or like she expects me to scold her. Maybe both, I dunno. It just hurts to have it done to me in such an indirectly direct fashion. All she had to say was no, or I feel uncomfortable, and she knew that. I'm still not sure whether I'm more angry at her for not even telling me, just getting me straight up in trouble, or that somehow I made her feel like she had to do it that way. Truth is, I have no way of knowing her reasoning, and I certainly cannot ask her now. I dare not give even a whiff of impropriety. I find it so odd that the last two texts I sent her were so incongruous with the response. The first was simply mentioning that our schedule that day was packed and, a little later, for her to hang in there. Sappy poetry, love songs, comparing her to something or other, or insisting on anything really, those I could understand.

I tend to be incredibly introspective at times, and nothing makes it worse than uncertainty. I don't think I was overbearing or creepy or anything, especially since she continued to text with me for hours after telling her how I felt. I don't think I did, but the sudden severe response makes me question everything. So I am just filled with a mélange of emotions: anger, guilt, sadness, awkwardness, fear/dread, heartbreak...

Effervescence

I ever find it odd how many journals and blogs get started out there and then simply fade away. Days, weeks, or even months between entries is certainly understandable and within normal deviations. However, I don't know of a single journaler who has kept it up even half as long as I have. Not to say they don't exist, but it can be disheartening at times to know that not one single person I've followed over the nearly two decades now (holy cow that's a long time!) have continued writing. Indeed, I think the longest running one only lasted a couple years, and even then it only sometimes continued because I would remind her about it. Go through any directory search, even of this site, and you will find a barren graveyard of journals.

I realize that technology has vastly changed the landscape, not only shortening attention spans but also offering innumerable distractions, yet I find it hard to believe that people have simply ceased trying to express themselves via the written word. Granted, certain platforms have allowed many to express themselves in shorter bursts, a la tweet or tok. I suppose too that many simply become youtubers and have video journals instead, but such is relatively recent while the issue of which I speak has been occurring since before even I joined.

I do wonder if most people who do still journal aren't more old school and use actual paper journals/diaries. It's certainly safer that way. I myself have used paper journals for nearly as long as the digital form and use those for more personal issues than I am willing to throw up here. I don't even consider myself a writer, so how am I still at it, even if infrequently, when so many others are not?

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Lara6683 Mega Medley

Phew

Been a hell of a couple weeks. Two months back, my landlord informed us that he and his wife were moving into the house in which my roommates and I resided. I am thankful he gave us 60 days, as the law only required 30, but he's ever been an awesome man. I do, of course, hate moving with a fiery passion and would very much have liked not to, but I certainly appreciate the four years I spent there. Within the first week of looking, I found a potential new home, but right before agreeing to the lease I felt it was not the right fit and declined. It was the correct choice, I think, but turned out to be the only option I could find for the next month and a half. Housing was already becoming more scarce last year due to some major fires in the area and covid massively exacerbated the problem. A house for rent could go up and be gone in a matter of days.

I found myself intermittently feeling like God had it taken care of, and mindless panic. Last week in particular was exceedingly rough for me. I had to twice call off work; I was so stressed that I could not sleep at all and felt constantly like throwing up. I found myself doing frequent deep breaths to keep from weeping or maybe vomiting. It sucked. A lot. In one last, desperate plea for help, I wrote a, well, desperate plea on the facebook housing page that most christians in the area use, and received an answer. I signed the lease Thursday and moved Friday, the absolute last day on my previous lease...

I am eternally grateful to my friend who has a truck and helped me move despite having worked a full day as mechanic before doing so. A pity that none of our other friends were willing. I don't have a lot, but numerous heavy boxes, and it took us three trips and many hours, leaving us both utterly exhausted. You know the feeling of growing pains you had as a kid, where the length of your legs just ached and ached? That's how my arms felt for several days after. The last trip honestly could have been just me loading up my car with numerous bags of various clothes and things, save for one problem: my car broke down that morning on my way to work. I wasn't looking forward to having a full day of work before moving, so that, at least, was a blessing, but having your car die in the street, calling a tow, and then having to foot the bill whenever it happens to get fixed (likely tomorrow, but I'm not certain) is less so. Still, it happened only blocks from my home, so after the tow truck whisked away my car, I simply walked back and didn't have to figure out how to get a ride across town. So I was able to get moved, and quite like my new place, but have been without transportation over the weekend.

It's amazing how much less free and capable one feels without a vehicle at hand in areas such as this, with poor public transit and long distances. I know, I know, Uber is a thing, but I have never set up an account and don't want to jump through a ton of hoops or anything. Silly of me perhaps, but we all have our lines.

In addition to the increasingly panic-inducing issues I've been having with housing concerns, I have also been stressing over my current job, and a prospective lady. In short, every major issue most folks worry about individually I have had on my mind simultaneously. There is certainly more on those two subjects, but not right now.