kryptonitemonkey | Well, then

It's been an interesting few weeks, I must say. Decided to take on a 21 day fast. Not of food, but of comfort, of Youtube. It's both easier and more difficult than I anticipated. I waste a lot of time per day on youtube, so not using it has given me a lot more free time. I think I've missed it most during the down-time moments, like during meals, or when I am pooped and just want to veg. I have found myself sitting back and listening to a lot of music while at home, usually while mindlessly playing a bunch of solitaire. I'm hoping that by the time this fast ends, I'll have properly weaned myself from using it too much, and will have to keep an eye on the overall consumption. While I don't want to be rid of it, I don't want it to be like it was before. My time feels less wasted, and while I do feel bored more often, sometimes that's a good thing.

I did discover, almost immediately, in fact, that I was self-medicating a lot of pain. The first week, starting literally the second day of the fast, I was on the verge of tears multiple times a day. Never at an opportune time, like at home, where I could sit in it an just let it all out either, nope. Usually driving, listening to certain songs, or even just reading random things. Once or twice at work. I felt...delicate, and my heart just hurt constantly. Had to have a few long journaling sessions late at night with God to work through some of it. Not that I really fixed anything, but certainly something is better than it was.

Week two was things breaking, namely my watch and my car. The latter being backed/rolled into on a steep hill by a teenage girl who felt absolutely terrible about the whole thing. Daughter of a single mother working two jobs... After thought on the matter and speaking with the mother, I decided to get it mostly fixed, but keep insurance out of it and they're just pay out of pocket. Insurance is the worst, and I wasn't going to be the instigator for screwing over their rates for years. Not my fault, but I really feel the grace to be merciful in this, so I will.

This week was...rough. Basically a lot of emotional/hormonal shit. Intensified lust, temptation, depression, despair, loneliness, and like all at once. Last night it was a sudden burst of anger. Definitely spiritual in nature. I'm better at fighting off anger for the most part though, so it was thankfully short lived.

Overall, this fast has definitely been a spate of tests, temptations, frustrations, and general battling. Oof. I'm a bit frazzled.