kryptonitemonkey | Entries tagged with musings

I was sifting through some of my boxes that clutter my room just now (I've moved so many times now that I don't really ever unpack so much as move various boxes about and pick the ((mainly)) books out that I want), and I came across a few old notebooks. Apart from the dozen or so old journals, of which I'm a little scared to look back through as I was at the peak of anxiety/depression/teen angst, I found one that looks to be maybe a dozen pages or so of fic, poetry, and musings. The one entry near the end dates it back to '02, which is right when Smallville came out and I found myself in a creative burst writing on a message board and writing various small ficlets. Several of the pages in the old journal were such.

It's...odd, reading old things one has written, particularly when you don't remember ever writing it. It's equal parts cringe mixed with interest and respect for my ideas and vocabulary (the latter has sadly dwindled somewhat). Despite a few edits I would quickly make to some of the sappiness or OOC-ness of my Clark (a bit too much Mary Sue), I am quite proud of my past self. It's pleasant to realize that my past self was not as inadequate as I often felt or, as I sometimes think I was.

The only issue I find myself with, apart from suddenly wanting to improve my overall written vocabulary here, is that my past self ended several stories with the page instead of with a proper end to the vignette. I several times turned the page to find what I next written, only to discover that I had not. Curses! Ending stories has always been the hardest part for me, but I find it most vexing to discover that it plagues me not only when written, but later when read as well. At least I can be grateful that, though at times a little...lame? my writing could be, it is still intriguing and captivating. They could almost be writing prompts, come to think of it: short stories meant to spur others (or myself) into an interesting direction.

I don't often think of how much I wrote during that period around the first two seasons of Smallville. The community on the message boards was lively and crazy fun, not to mention boundless in its creativity. I only ever started my livejournal all those years ago because everyone else was hopping on. And my longest friend to date is one I met there when I asked for her aid in proofing one of my fics. But anyway, I wrote so much during those two years. It was a bit of a perfect confluence of timing, free time, budding creativity, anxious energy (an oddly effective creative source), interest, and the perfect place to so do. The explosion of message boards, an interesting new take on a favorite superhero, a major crush on both lead actresses, similarly interested people, and a limitless potential (sadly much wasted) for where it could all go -- these all lead to a most fecund soil for writing and communicating. I partly wish at times I could have a log of some of those old threads we would take part in, though only partly.

It was so much fun, the time between episodes, particularly the winter and summer breaks when things had ended on a cliffhanger and we were left with nothing but time to fuel our imaginations and creative juices. I can't tell you how many amazing stories came about during those lulls, nor how many I wish were not lost to both myself and internet. Good ol' salad days, eh? I did not write terribly many fics that I actually posted, but I still wonder how many are gone forever. I have, thankfully, been somewhat decent at keeping backups of old files, but due to a number of sudden computer failures over the years, cannot be certain of how many have not survived. Having transferred my livejournal here, I do also have all those things saved as well, which is cool.

It's a bit funny, looking back on old writings. Like I said before, there are equal parts cringe and respect. There's also that faint pall of wondering what happened since. Dang, but I could be so funny! Of course, there's a real possibility that a good deal of my drive then was depression and anxiety manifesting; if this is so, then I'm okay not being as eloquent or interesting. Still, reading the old journal made me plop a notebook on my nightstand in case I have something to write. I've known for a while now that I'm a mimic at heart: when I see someone doing something cool, I want to join in and do so as well. When I was roommate with an artist, I ended up drawing quite a bit. Amusing to find myself inspired by my very own self, but a few years removed. Thanks, me!

Wherein I talk a lot.

Being surprised can be odd sometimes. Why is it that someone can yell at me from across the house without my being at all surprised, yet someone coming up and speaking normally five feet behind me can scare the ever-loving crap out of me? In neither case am I expecting it, and I would think the louder one would be more likely to startle, but no. We are such odd creations.

I have been, slowly, trying to relearn how to write in cursive. Having pretty much never used it, I am decidedly rusty. My knowledge of capitals in particular is nearly non-existent. At present I pretty much only know the ones in my name, so like 3. My normal letters are better, though my implementation can be iffy at times. I am able to write well in some cases, but it is slow and in bursts. It is definitely not second nature yet to be able to write without thinking about it. I tend to write very small and precise, neither of which transfers over terribly well to cursive. It will be better when I am able to write words out whole without having to stop midway and briefly figure out how to do the next letter. There are a few words thus far that I am able to so do, and they are lovely to behold and quickly done.

Certain letters are most assuredly giving me grief, however. Ms and Ns I've always had difficulty with; I often can't tell if I need to add another hump. Rs annoy me, because they can be easily mistaken for Us or Ns, and give me much frustration when following Os. My As and Os sometimes get switched when I'm trying to write quickly; I'm not really sure how to rectify that one, though. My Vs and Ws also cause me to slow down fairly often in order to remember to end them up top. I am getting better, but am annoyed by how I cannot yet express myself at anywhere near the speed at which I think, as I am better able to with script.

On another topic, I've been thinking a bit of DnD characters and campaigns. I have ever so many ideas that I would love to one day see implemented. I'm not sure if I myself could ever DM cohesively enough to implement them all, but I thought I could at lease put them down and excise them until needed.

First, I've been thinking about the mechanics of character creation and acting in character. I once heard about how Mouseguard gives each person individual character traits, for which they gain or lose bonuses by adhering to. Sometimes, rather than just create their own, a DM will provide players with premade characters. From what I've seen, though, they do not usually contain much else than race and class. I think it'd be cool to provide people with character traits and classes, not even necessarily caring about race; they could pick that on their own. The idea came to me thinking about odd combinations. The first was of a cowardly paladin. The second was of a thief with a heart of gold, ala Robin Hood. I would be much amused to have a thief who would constantly rob people, even his own teammates, in order to give it to someone else; almost like forced socialism on an individual scale. If you've ever seen the Dennis Moore sketch from Monty Python, I think along similar lines.

I think it would make for an interesting experiment to see the unique spins people might give to such characters. Creativity can often be enhanced by boundaries. Why a knight/paladin might be cowardly, or how cowardly they are, or even if they eventually overcome it or not, could make for an intriguing study. This is particularly true when it comes to people who play more themselves regardless of character. I notice that regardless of character and personality I give to my creations, there are definitely specific personal traits that come through all of them. I am often impatient and goofy, but also very business-like in battle, no matter who I play as. So how different people would mold the same character/trait interests me greatly.

I also had an idea or two for dungeons. So often they are dark, for which most people come equipped, not to mention how many of them have dark or low-light vision. But what about a dungeon that is magically, painfully bright? I would think that those with enhanced eyes would suddenly be at a disadvantage, like a -2 to accuracy or detecting things. I would totally remove the disadvantage for anyone smart enough to wrap their eyes with a very thin, see-through silk or fabric to negate it. Having recently played Mines of Madness at PAX, their new, creative twist on the Tomb of Horrors, combined with the clone idea from Paranoia, I have an awesome idea for murdering all my characters repeatedly. Think of a dungeon/tower wherein nearly everything will kill or maim, but is enchanted to resurrect the character, but subtracting from a shared pool of lives for the whole group. Not only that, but I would later, after a number of deaths, let the players know that each death and resurrection causes their characters to become more and more unhinged/terrified/crazy/etc. You could start rolling a die to see if the character actually does what they want it to, or if they do something rash instead, or start cringing away, or whatever. You have to think that repeated, painful deaths would cause odd responses from people, be it increased, reckless foolishness, paranoia, or fear.

I've been thinking much this evening on the subject of attraction. Specifically, I've been thinking on it in regard to having a crush on a person. I've recently been smitten by a new tv crush, so she's been on my mind a bit. After some thought, I realized that it's much the same with tv people as it is with any pretty girl I might find myself interested in; in regard to the actual attraction, anyway. It's weird how easily a new attraction can cause a kind of temporary fanaticism in a mind. Even more bizarre, to my thinking anyway, is that I can be fully aware of the silliness of crushing on someone, be it on the tv or in person, yet still have the emotion/thought/etc. Granted, emotions are rarely exactly in line with our thoughts, but still.

Having done both, I'm really not sure if being attracted to a person in, well, person versus the tv/internet land is any better, or worse. With celebrity crushes, we get much more frequent access to seeing them, reading their tweets and interviews, and whatever else we feel like. In one sense, we get to pine after a person without any real fear of rejection, and can get our fill of them without awkwardness, as it were. There's near zero chance most of us will ever get to see such people in real life, much less even meet them, which can be both good and bad. On the other hand, pining after a person nearby has it's own positives and negatives. The positive being that the possibility exists of actually talking to, getting to know, even asking out, said person. The downside, of course, is the possibility of rejection; not to mention that any sort of stalkerish behavior we may be inclined toward, however little, becomes that much easier to engage in, along with the chance of getting busted doing so.

When we're attracted to a person, it's easy to make little changes to schedule, or even the route you take every day, in order to close the distance to the person. I can remember one semester in high school where I would walk a whole floor out of my way in the off-chance of briefly seeing or talking to a girl I knew and liked. It's amazing how much we go out of our way for just a chance, and without really thinking about how weird it is at the time. Romeo and Juliet would be a hell of a lot creepier if only one of them felt the way they did. Sometimes it seems the only difference between being stalkerish and cute is reciprocity. I'm not really willing to test that theory, though...

What really made me think about this was when I realized that I was, be it ever so slightly, starting to create scenarios in my head of how it could play out that I could somehow meet this girl, what we could talk about, and how we could strike up a friendship, blah blah blah. It's funny how so many of us nurture that thought in the back of our minds that maybe if we could just get such and such person alone for a bit, we could somehow instantly become best of friends. I've had much the same thoughts in regard to celebrities I happen to be crushing on as I have for girls I've met or seen in person. The odd thing is that don't think the former are any more fantastical than the latter.

Of course, I also happen to be in a period of having moved to a new place, not knowing anyone, having barely met anyone, and not knowing where to go. Needless to say, I am very much lonely, so it does not surprise me that with such lack of friends I would instinctively try to fill the void with whatever lovely girl happens to strike my fancy, particularly one I can easily pull up on tv or youtube and watch. What surprises me is how I can know so much, and know how silly it all is, yet find myself still doing it. I still pine, I still tweet/etc., foolishly hoping that it will somehow stand out among all the other and spark a conversation and... It's always weird when one finds tretchory. It is no less so to discover it in one's self.

It occurred to me just now that pretty much anyone can dress to impress, but it is a significantly smaller subset therein that can undress to impress, and I would wager that the number tends to subsist more of women than of men. Just saying.

Current Mood: amused

I always forget until it happens again, but every time that I'm walking somewhere, with bags of groceries in both hands, I suddenly remember that scene from the first Home Alone. I think I actually kind of walk like he does too. Regardless, it's kind of funny that I think of it every single time.

In other news, I got to see the latest movie from the Finger of God/Furious Love guy last night; Father of Lights. He's showing it around the states for a few months before it's finally released to the general public, but Bethel was the first place he went. I have to say, it was really good. I feel that it covered a lot of ideas that Christians really don't get as much as they should. Some of the miracles are crazy too. They even managed to get into the Dome of the Rock, which is literally impossible for non-muslims to do, yet God did it for them in just a single day.