A glimmering of thought

I don't really know you
You will never know me
Who are you really
So beguiling, with nothing more
Than a lovely face and pleasant voice
Playing, watching, chatting
You're the girl I would ask out
In any other circumstance
But like a television crush,
Never the two shall meet
This is weird

I really need to update this more often. Months between entries is certainly far too infrequent. I've got a streak of not giving up that needs to continue. I've had this thing (well, livejournal, but ported over) since like 2002 or so. Mustn't let it fade into nothingness. Granted, I haven't needed journaling in general as an outlet nearly as much as when I was in my teens and twenties and the height of my anxiety/depression/general hormonal peaks. Man do I not miss those extremes.

Though it also was the font of a lot of creativity in terms of writing. Every few years I'll go back and reread some of those early entries (from twenty years ago now, holy cow) and, ignoring the more emotionally fraught crap, a lot of it was really funny and creative. Some of it still makes me laugh and deeply, so I know it was quality. Pity so many of my funny things now go unwritten. Even worse, much of it is wasted on my usual audience. Ah well.

Long few months, really. Wednesday I helped a friend move. Thursday through Saturday I was moving. I am thoroughly wiped now. My new room is slowly accumulating pathways amidst the clutter of boxes and bags through which I can traverse. I hate moving with a fiery passion, but this one was definitely necessary for my peace. My old place hadn't felt like home in months and I often dreaded going home. My roommates had a kind of cold war vibe going and it was time to go. I'm paying like $300 more a month now than I was, but I was going to be paying half that in rent increase had a I stayed anyway, and at least now I have a larger room and my own bathroom. The peace is the most important part though.

In two days I've already had as much conversation as months worth at the old place. Yeesh, but also yay.

It's closer to work, which is nice, though I'll now have to daily use a particularly unpleasant overpass and roundabout that isn't the safest. Ah well.

Lots of odds and ends to talk about, but not a lot of energy at the moment.

Once again I find myself caught in the jaws of Postmodern Jukebox and loving every minute of it. Been listening to a lot of jazz music from the ~40s to begin with, and they always do a terrific old school rendition of modern stuff. Fairly fun to watch the videos too.

Meanwhile, I've been sucked, temporarily, into the abyss that is Vampire Survivors. Honestly, it's a fairly simplistic-looking game that shouldn't work nearly as well as it does. You don't even push any buttons. You literally just guide your character around the screen with randomly placed waves of increasing tougher enemies. It's the items and the rogue-lite aspect that keeps one coming back, I think. And there seems to be a million things to unlock. Doesn't hurt that the game is literally $5 and the two expansions still make the whole thing cost less than $10. I blame youtube and Ironmouse for introducing it to me.

You ever feel simultaneously brilliant/accomplished and dumb? Yeah, that's me this evening. I had to replace the inner door handle of my car today, and did it without looking anything up. The old one broke a while back, but was still functional enough, but a few days ago broke off completely, making it nearly impossible to open from the inside without a lot of effort. Thankfully, I drive a '95 Toyota, and a bare-bones one at that, so nothing fancy required. But, as part of the old one was broken, I had a decent idea of how things went, but juuuuust slightly off. Wasted a good twenty minutes trying to get the metal hook go over the inner handle part, only to realize after much frustration that it went through, not around. Oof. On the other hand, I figured it out and fixed my car all by myself. I feel every bit as accomplished as when I had to replace my toilet seat, which had unusual bolts that were incredibly difficult to remove. Makes me feel like a proper adult.

Also, dang, I've been silent here for far too long. I refuse to just peter out! There have definitely been a lot going on over the past few months, but I shall have to reserve that for another time. Dang, but it's fun to type with this super-clicky keyboard I bought on Black Friday. Clicky-clacky! Far too expensive, but I haven't regretted it! Nor the upgraded video card. I use the keyboard more often than the card, but still.

Been a while. Been working a lot, and going to coffee shops a lot. I go like maybe 3 times a week, and my mental health is a lot better for it. Still gets lonely at times, but still much better than being home all by my lonesome. I have a roommate, but he's not one to communicate much. Ever since I read through a major book series or two, I didn't know what to do with myself when I would go to the coffee shop, so I started bringing my sketchpad. I tend to go through periods of artistic creativity, but this is probably the longest sustained, consistency in so doing. I've been taking D&D books as reference for monsters and such, and bought a book on sketching people for comics. I'm noticing a bit of improvement overall, though there are definitely a lot of duds still. Still, I'm quite pleased with the progress I'm making, especially in better expressing an idea onto the page. At some point I'll have to use my phone to scan in some of them into the computer so I can put them online or work on them digitally. Digital can't do certain things, and physical can't do others, but together you can make some really amazing pictures.

Been an interesting few weeks. Dropped a whole wad of cash between getting my car fixed of several important problems and doing likewise with my teeth. It's been over ten years since my last dentist check-up, so it was past due. The growing hole in one of my more important teeth followed by some sensitivity finally moved me to seek out a dentist. Found one, though I don't have insurance, so it's been pricey, and that's just for the cleaning and gum stuff. I might need a root canal in the near future, though hopefully not, and that could run me $1,400+. I'm much grateful to having an income that allows me to do so, at least. Also, it helps immensely that my guy who fixed my car gave me a great deal.

More to say, but not at the moment.

Been too long since last I posted. Couldn't really help it, though. First I tripped and injured my wrist, making typing extremely limited. Followed about a week later with me catching covid. For various reasons, I was not vaccinated. Thankfully, having had it, I now have the natural immunities (though stupid OSHA only allows for unnatural antibodies in order to not wear a mask at work?). I remember back when I caught the swine flu years ago. That hit harder, but covid seemed to last longer. I had body aches and a headache for over a week, along with the occasional chill, and eventually lost taste and smell for about a week. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to get those back so rapidly. I know people who went like 3 months to get it back. I think I got back like 80% or so within a week and it's at least back to 95% now. Only having textures when you eat is bizarre.

Thankfully, breathing issues were minimal. I would be short of breath on occasion, and had a few days of coughing, but otherwise everything was fine there. I'm fairly certain I caught a mild case of covid last year and this was the delta, which basically hit me like a nasty flu. And nasty flu seems to be what it's turning into for those who have the antibodies going forward. I'm grateful that it wasn't worse.

Sadly, though my covid is all better, my injured wrist is still an issue, though mildly so. Some days it will be almost back to normal, then I'll do something, or will go to sleep, and it'll go back to being painful and difficult to do much with. I've taken to wearing the wrist thing they gave me intermittently. It seems to help sometimes, but not always. I think it depends on how tightly I strap it, but even after weeks can't figure out the exact right amount. Ah well.

While my housing situation is now fine, my work and romantic life have gone to hell. I'm rather regretting giving even two weeks, honestly. Not that I'm being treated poorly or anything, but it just seems to be dragging now, and that's to say nothing of the INCREDIBLY awkwardness that has suddenly arisen. Cliff notes version, one of my coworkers (not a superior or anything like that) and I have been texting back and forth for several months now. I've made my interest in her obvious, and while I was flirty, I don't think I ever fell into anything inappropriate. Heck, I tended to tell my mom later on each time I got the chance, to run things past her. Girl has had a lot of hurt in her life and while shy seemed to respond to my various communications. I'd send her funny videos, or say uplifting things randomly. I even gave her numerous, easy outs, letting her know that if ever I got over-effusive or ever stepped over any line for her, she was to just tell me. Once I basically told her to tell me to shut up if she needed to and I would take no offense. Not once did she take the out, and several times let me know that I hadn't stepped on any toes or anything.

Then I had to go and tell her that I really liked her. She knew, of course, but while she didn't think she and I were on the same path, as she put it, she assured me that I was okay. I informed her very clearly that while I still thought she might be the one for me, I would not in any way attempt to force anything, basically leaving anything in the future up to her. I told her I would still try to encourage her, as she is often down and sad and seemed to appreciate words of encouragement. So imagine my surprise when, yesterday morning, seeing as how we were busy, I sent a text telling her to hang in there, only to have my boss stop by a little while later to tell me that me texting her at work was incredibly inappropriate and that I had made her feel awkward. I didn't bring up that people at work often message each other, boss included, nor the fact that the she and I had been in conversation for months. More than anything, I was a massive mixture of shame, awkwardness, and feeling betrayed. My boss said that had I not just put in my two weeks, I would have been let go right there. I understand how charged workplace harassment stuff is, but considering how chaste our conversations have been, with nary as much as an innuendo involved, I feel it unnecessarily harsh. I followed up with my boss later, saying how terrible I felt about it and that if she needed me to go, I could skip the two weeks, but she said she had talked to the woman and she was fine with me sticking around, so I think my boss realized it wasn't as crazy as all that.

Still, it felt like such a punch in the gut. I've been seriously interested in this woman since I met her, and have done my best to give her space and not come on too strong or try to force anything. She clearly responded to some degree and never took any of the easy outs that I offered her, only to suddenly feel the need to get an intermediary involved (potentially getting me fired, no less) rocked me. She and I have studiously avoided each other since. She avoids my gaze, as I do hers, and she sometimes has a look on her face either of guilt, or like she expects me to scold her. Maybe both, I dunno. It just hurts to have it done to me in such an indirectly direct fashion. All she had to say was no, or I feel uncomfortable, and she knew that. I'm still not sure whether I'm more angry at her for not even telling me, just getting me straight up in trouble, or that somehow I made her feel like she had to do it that way. Truth is, I have no way of knowing her reasoning, and I certainly cannot ask her now. I dare not give even a whiff of impropriety. I find it so odd that the last two texts I sent her were so incongruous with the response. The first was simply mentioning that our schedule that day was packed and, a little later, for her to hang in there. Sappy poetry, love songs, comparing her to something or other, or insisting on anything really, those I could understand.

I tend to be incredibly introspective at times, and nothing makes it worse than uncertainty. I don't think I was overbearing or creepy or anything, especially since she continued to text with me for hours after telling her how I felt. I don't think I did, but the sudden severe response makes me question everything. So I am just filled with a mélange of emotions: anger, guilt, sadness, awkwardness, fear/dread, heartbreak...

Been a hell of a couple weeks. Two months back, my landlord informed us that he and his wife were moving into the house in which my roommates and I resided. I am thankful he gave us 60 days, as the law only required 30, but he's ever been an awesome man. I do, of course, hate moving with a fiery passion and would very much have liked not to, but I certainly appreciate the four years I spent there. Within the first week of looking, I found a potential new home, but right before agreeing to the lease I felt it was not the right fit and declined. It was the correct choice, I think, but turned out to be the only option I could find for the next month and a half. Housing was already becoming more scarce last year due to some major fires in the area and covid massively exacerbated the problem. A house for rent could go up and be gone in a matter of days.

I found myself intermittently feeling like God had it taken care of, and mindless panic. Last week in particular was exceedingly rough for me. I had to twice call off work; I was so stressed that I could not sleep at all and felt constantly like throwing up. I found myself doing frequent deep breaths to keep from weeping or maybe vomiting. It sucked. A lot. In one last, desperate plea for help, I wrote a, well, desperate plea on the facebook housing page that most christians in the area use, and received an answer. I signed the lease Thursday and moved Friday, the absolute last day on my previous lease...

I am eternally grateful to my friend who has a truck and helped me move despite having worked a full day as mechanic before doing so. A pity that none of our other friends were willing. I don't have a lot, but numerous heavy boxes, and it took us three trips and many hours, leaving us both utterly exhausted. You know the feeling of growing pains you had as a kid, where the length of your legs just ached and ached? That's how my arms felt for several days after. The last trip honestly could have been just me loading up my car with numerous bags of various clothes and things, save for one problem: my car broke down that morning on my way to work. I wasn't looking forward to having a full day of work before moving, so that, at least, was a blessing, but having your car die in the street, calling a tow, and then having to foot the bill whenever it happens to get fixed (likely tomorrow, but I'm not certain) is less so. Still, it happened only blocks from my home, so after the tow truck whisked away my car, I simply walked back and didn't have to figure out how to get a ride across town. So I was able to get moved, and quite like my new place, but have been without transportation over the weekend.

It's amazing how much less free and capable one feels without a vehicle at hand in areas such as this, with poor public transit and long distances. I know, I know, Uber is a thing, but I have never set up an account and don't want to jump through a ton of hoops or anything. Silly of me perhaps, but we all have our lines.

In addition to the increasingly panic-inducing issues I've been having with housing concerns, I have also been stressing over my current job, and a prospective lady. In short, every major issue most folks worry about individually I have had on my mind simultaneously. There is certainly more on those two subjects, but not right now.