Ah dreams.

[kryptonitemonkey]

It's always so odd and interesting the way dreams can shift and completely change, yet somehow seem so normal and reasonable while in it. I had a dream that was basically about me getting to know a girl, her having to talk to me about me needing to walk away (because she was falling for me but it couldn't be, ouch), and then it somehow ended up being about aliens. Some of them looked human, but later on there was a whole slew of them that were made of like rock and such. They had stolen some babies needed for a ritual to go home somehow. There were some cool fight scenes near the end there, including some people on my side (I think I had become the camera at this point) with powers, one akin to an airbender, and another who was like the rock aliens. I just remember these huge disk blades being thrown about, basically like huge ninja stars.

Naturally, the part that most sticks with me is the emotional heartache of having my heart ripped out by this cute girl. There was no anger involved in it, just one big ouchy. In it, we had just kissed, I think? and I realized my breath was terrible so I got some mouthwash, and then I got the "we need to talk". I've never had it before, but you recognize it instantly, at least in the dream I did. Something about the tone of voice. It boiled down to, "I need you to stay away from me. I can feel myself so easily falling into this." She never said why it wasn't right, and I didn't ask, but I didn't need to; I just knew that whatever reason she had was valid and it needed to be this way. I'm kind of proud of my dream self that, I trusted both my intuition, and I trusted her. It was the right thing to do to not argue with her or try to convince her otherwise, as much as a small part of me wanted to. We always want to fight for something great.

How sad it is that I recognize this type of situation so readily. How many girls have I attempted to pursue, only to have God say not that one. After a certain point, somewhere around college he informed me of a specific one he had in mind for my future (I haven't met her yet, but he showed me what she looked like). Ever since, things have been both easier, and a lot harder. Do you know how much it aches to meet a girl that you really like and would love nothing more than to pursue, but know that it's not...optimal? For like a year, ever girl I even remotely liked he would ask me if I wanted that one instead; time and again I had to say no. Naturally I've slowly met more and more awesome girls who I like more and more, and each one I've had to say no to. The last one I really, reeeeeeally did not want to. It shook me deeply when I asked myself whether I would rather have what God wanted or what I wanted, and found that I didn't want God's choice. Somehow he and I worked it out, but that one hurt. As did her departure from my life. As did the departure of so many girls I've longed for. Saying no to a real person in favor of one you haven't actually met and who is currently not much more than an intangible, ephemeral picture is frustratingly difficult.

Needless to say, the dream has repeated on some pain in my heart. Not a bitter pain, thank God, but a sad, deep pain nonetheless. At least this wasn't one of his teaching dreams. The last one he gave me a few years back, that one was rough. Definitely stuck with me. How I wish that having someone, even if I don't who they are yet, was enough to make me not notice all the great girls out there that I could be pursuing. Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink...

Comments

[phaea]

wow. this was a powerful post and my heart goes out to you. i relate to what you're going through. God did something very similar for me when i was in my early twenties. i had a dream about a bear who was a person but a bear (that whole "dreams seeming reasonable" thing, right? xD) and we were gallivanting all over the place and having a BLAST. there was a very clear bond of love but there was also this fantastic and deep friendship. it was SO. LOVELY. there's an image from the dream that is burned into my mind: we were at the top of a crest, looking down into a valley, having a sporting time, and i was on his shoulders. the view of the image is looking over our shoulders, so somehow i experienced parts of that dream in third-person. ANYWAY. it was an amazing dream, and i remember telling my mom that God had given me a dream about my future husband, and because he was a bear in the dream, i started calling him, "my bear." *sad sigh* there's so much more to that story but i'm not putting it here. my main point was that i relate to the experience of saying no to people who aren't The One, and feeling like you KNOW that person, even though you haven't met them yet. i wrote letters to him, even.

there's a lot of pain in my story, too. so i hear you and i empathize with you. keep hanging in there, friend. <3

[kryptonitemonkey]

On of my most painful moments was actually in a dream; that teaching dream I mentioned. There was this girl that I liked, and the dream was about how happy she and I could be together. Like, we had these moments where we were just so happy. And then we were in the church about to get married, and I had this sudden thought of, "oh, I forgot to ask God about this." So I did, and his answer was no. In this dream, I had to tell her, right at the alter, that I couldn't marry her. That was a heartache so deep, I have to say, and it really stuck with me. Naturally, it also had the consequence of me actually liking that girl more, seeing how happy we'd made each other. Like salt in the wound, that was.

The part that always annoys me, as a side effect of the whole thing, is how difficult it is to talk to anyone else about my frustrations, even the daily ones. It takes a long time to explain my situation, and even if they happen to believe me, they still don't always take it very seriously. From the outside it appears like I'm just pining over this or that girl and I need to just man up and go for it, which is the exact opposite of helpful in my case. I can't tell you how many people or christian advice blogs I've read have all had great advice...for most everyone else, but would actually be harmful for me. My problem has never been difficulty in pursuing girls, it's that I'm not supposed to, even when I really want to. Blarg.

[phaea]

that sounds like a really painful dream. :[ and i totally hear you, with it being difficult to talk to people about your frustrations. i was in a similar place when mj left us; i believed vehemently that God wanted me to honor my vows and so i did, but it was miserable and painful and i didn't want to be with him so i was always terrified of him coming home. and i had to do the same thing you do -- remind myself that what God has for me is better than anything i could come up with, so i need to hang in there. and now i'm so very, very glad that i did. it was hard, because people were always trying to tell me i was free, i was divorced, blah blah blah, and i was like no, i'm pretty sure God wants me to honor my vows.

so yeah, i know how lonely that feels, and also how painful and hard. but i can tell you from my own experience that God DOES honor obedience and it IS worth it. :)

[kryptonitemonkey]

It's funny, but I rarely even think of it as obedience. It's just what I'm supposed to do, y'know? I can't tell you how many people have told me that God wouldn't do that, that he gives us choice, that I have a choice, etc. But to me it's never been a choice. I mean, technically I have a choice, but why would I go against what God showed me to be best for me? I never understand why everyone wants God to have a plan for their life, but tell them he has a specific person for me and they lose their shit. So many throats I've wanted to punch...

[phaea]

ha! it IS funny, because that's exactly how i was about honoring my vows!!! it was such a deep conviction, i rarely remembered that it was ALSO obedience. i just knew it was RIGHT.

and same -- i technically had a choice, too. but i knew what God wanted.

people really have a hard time with God calling His people away from the status quo. they're inclined to think you're making things up or hearing from the devil or something. i get it. radical is radical because it's not the norm. and people definitely have a hard time embracing the radical.

i encourage you, brother in Christ, to keep seeking His desires for you because He does everything out of love and wisdom, so we cannot possibly go wrong with Him, no matter how bleak and out of control our circumstances seem. (i'm actually preaching as much to myself right now as i am to you -- see most recent post...) i support you in this; i hope that helps. :)

[kryptonitemonkey]

The most annoying part is that I'm at Bethel church, renown for its supernatural ministry. I'm surrounded by the types most likely to be up for anything, yet I find them every bit as good at putting God in the box of what he does and does not do. To be sure, it's a bit of a different box, but still a box. I've gotten just as many of the folks who are likely to go with whatever God tells them to do tell me that that's not really how God works, or am I sure that's what he said? I do not brag when I say I know my Bible better than 95% of the christians I meet, and I've been walking with God since I was a child, yet somehow almost no one believes me. They say God told them, I say ok. I say the same, they tell me they don't think so. People really never can handle the abnormal, even when they're in the midst of their own.

Makes me want to start with the punching... It's good to vent though.