![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2016 05:42 pmI've noticed of late that I've been exhibiting the slight signs of being anxious. By that, I mean that I think that my anti-depressants may need to be upped. It's a pity that one's body always likes to acclimate to even medication. I really hate when I start getting more depressed and anxious. Who does, right? But the problem with me is that it tends to start subtly as the medication works less well, so it's hard to tell what's normal. But the signs are starting to show themselves a little more clearly to me, which is not great.
It tends to reveal itself in things like hesitation. Hesitation to go places, hesitation to do anything confrontational or even just interactional, hesitation to do things that I'm supposed to, or even hesitation to do things that I want to. Instead of just getting up and doing things that I want or should do, I find myself putting them off. Sadly, it's often very subtle, so it's difficult to even realize what I'm doing. My mind just sort of shies away from certain things. I think part of it is that when I'm depressed/anxious my personal energy doesn't recharge properly, so interactions with people tend to be something I do/want to do less. Again, it can be subtle, like I just don't feel like hanging out today, but starts being all the time. Of course, it means that as I need help more and more, I'm less and less likely to just go and get it. A trip to the doc when I'm normal? No problem. When I'm anxious? Not so much. Logically I have no problem making an appointment, hopping in the car, and just going to get it done. But when I'm anxious...I just never get around to setting it up.
I hate the ephemeral nature of anxiety. The chemical kind, I mean. The proper lack of serotonin in my brain tends to make me hesitate or be afraid of so much of general everyday life, and for no discernible reason. Anything normally scary becomes someone screaming in your ear with a megaphone and is almost impossible to deal with, but it's the daily little changes to normal behavior that is the most frustrating. Even right this moment, as I think about how I need to go get my medication changed, I'm fearful of changing something and wondering what could go wrong when I see the doctor and maybe I won't go this week and.... Blech.
Can I just be normal? Thanks.
It tends to reveal itself in things like hesitation. Hesitation to go places, hesitation to do anything confrontational or even just interactional, hesitation to do things that I'm supposed to, or even hesitation to do things that I want to. Instead of just getting up and doing things that I want or should do, I find myself putting them off. Sadly, it's often very subtle, so it's difficult to even realize what I'm doing. My mind just sort of shies away from certain things. I think part of it is that when I'm depressed/anxious my personal energy doesn't recharge properly, so interactions with people tend to be something I do/want to do less. Again, it can be subtle, like I just don't feel like hanging out today, but starts being all the time. Of course, it means that as I need help more and more, I'm less and less likely to just go and get it. A trip to the doc when I'm normal? No problem. When I'm anxious? Not so much. Logically I have no problem making an appointment, hopping in the car, and just going to get it done. But when I'm anxious...I just never get around to setting it up.
I hate the ephemeral nature of anxiety. The chemical kind, I mean. The proper lack of serotonin in my brain tends to make me hesitate or be afraid of so much of general everyday life, and for no discernible reason. Anything normally scary becomes someone screaming in your ear with a megaphone and is almost impossible to deal with, but it's the daily little changes to normal behavior that is the most frustrating. Even right this moment, as I think about how I need to go get my medication changed, I'm fearful of changing something and wondering what could go wrong when I see the doctor and maybe I won't go this week and.... Blech.
Can I just be normal? Thanks.
