Ah dreams.

It's always so odd and interesting the way dreams can shift and completely change, yet somehow seem so normal and reasonable while in it. I had a dream that was basically about me getting to know a girl, her having to talk to me about me needing to walk away (because she was falling for me but it couldn't be, ouch), and then it somehow ended up being about aliens. Some of them looked human, but later on there was a whole slew of them that were made of like rock and such. They had stolen some babies needed for a ritual to go home somehow. There were some cool fight scenes near the end there, including some people on my side (I think I had become the camera at this point) with powers, one akin to an airbender, and another who was like the rock aliens. I just remember these huge disk blades being thrown about, basically like huge ninja stars.

Naturally, the part that most sticks with me is the emotional heartache of having my heart ripped out by this cute girl. There was no anger involved in it, just one big ouchy. In it, we had just kissed, I think? and I realized my breath was terrible so I got some mouthwash, and then I got the "we need to talk". I've never had it before, but you recognize it instantly, at least in the dream I did. Something about the tone of voice. It boiled down to, "I need you to stay away from me. I can feel myself so easily falling into this." She never said why it wasn't right, and I didn't ask, but I didn't need to; I just knew that whatever reason she had was valid and it needed to be this way. I'm kind of proud of my dream self that, I trusted both my intuition, and I trusted her. It was the right thing to do to not argue with her or try to convince her otherwise, as much as a small part of me wanted to. We always want to fight for something great.

How sad it is that I recognize this type of situation so readily. How many girls have I attempted to pursue, only to have God say not that one. After a certain point, somewhere around college he informed me of a specific one he had in mind for my future (I haven't met her yet, but he showed me what she looked like). Ever since, things have been both easier, and a lot harder. Do you know how much it aches to meet a girl that you really like and would love nothing more than to pursue, but know that it's not...optimal? For like a year, ever girl I even remotely liked he would ask me if I wanted that one instead; time and again I had to say no. Naturally I've slowly met more and more awesome girls who I like more and more, and each one I've had to say no to. The last one I really, reeeeeeally did not want to. It shook me deeply when I asked myself whether I would rather have what God wanted or what I wanted, and found that I didn't want God's choice. Somehow he and I worked it out, but that one hurt. As did her departure from my life. As did the departure of so many girls I've longed for. Saying no to a real person in favor of one you haven't actually met and who is currently not much more than an intangible, ephemeral picture is frustratingly difficult.

Needless to say, the dream has repeated on some pain in my heart. Not a bitter pain, thank God, but a sad, deep pain nonetheless. At least this wasn't one of his teaching dreams. The last one he gave me a few years back, that one was rough. Definitely stuck with me. How I wish that having someone, even if I don't who they are yet, was enough to make me not notice all the great girls out there that I could be pursuing. Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink...