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I'm not sick after all. I guess my stomach was just having a weird day.
Also, introspection can really be a pain in the ass sometimes. Or, you know, almost always. One rarely finds pure and fluffy bunnies inside when one looks within. I rarely look without finding something new, though it is often a shade of things I've already known. I'm still not seeing all I want to know though.
I'm trying to figure myself out, truth be told. Trying to discover why it is I find myself so often timid. I chicken out of doing even the most simple of social things. I'm constantly analyzing what I've done at times, and in groups I seem to swing back and forth between introvert and extrovert. I'm either not speaking at all, and sort of just standing in the corner, or I'm laughing my ass off, and rather loudly at that. I think it's how at ease I feel, and I'm not sure exactly what triggers it. Though, I do think that I tend to go more quiet among groups of people who have known each other a while and have close bonds. Feeling like an outsider leads me to act like one I think.
I find myself often incapacitated to make the first move in any given situation, and I care too much about what others may think, even though I don't really care how any one individual might care. I think I'm frightened by getting in trouble. I've been such since as far back as like grade school. I remember my voice quivering and being near tears when confronted by an angry teacher or principal when in trouble. I carry an air of having no real reverence to anything in most cases, which is partly true, and yet, I think I at times have way too much reverence. I like to do the right thing, quite rigidly for some things, which partly explains my nervousness for crossing lines, perhaps. In taking so much care for not crossing lines and doing the wrong thing, I may have inadvertently created lines that do not really exist, or perhaps have skewed them.
Part of all this is simply lack of real feedback from true friends in my life. For many years now, I have tended to really have just one really good friend at a time, and not really seen or done anything with anyone else. Needless to say, my social skills and knowledge of faux pas are quite lacking at times. I get along well enough with most people once conversation has started up, and I never really seem to repulse people, so that seems well enough.
Truthfully, I think my problem is boundaries. I don't know where they are. I don't know when I've gone too far, nor when I haven't gone far enough. What's more, I think I'm afraid that my particular way of thinking can be disturbing or too weird if I haven't given people enough time to adjust to me. With people I've known a while, I feel a lot more free saying what's on my mind, because I know that they know I don't always mean the weird things that I say, and that I've got a weird sense of humor. I have, at many times, something of a macabre sense of humor. Anyone who has listened to me irreverently mock the tv or the sad parts of something will know this. Hell, the family joke is that when one of us dies, we're going to cremate them, use the ashes to make soap, and create a family soap business. "Mom's soap, we put a little bit of us into cleaning a little bit of you." I like thinking everything's funny, but I don't know, I guess I worry that other people will be offended or put off. And I don't know why I care, nor why it's so important to make a good first impression that I often am too frightened to actually make one.
Much of my real mental doings are done on a lower level than rational thought when I am too shy to do things though. And I don't know why this is either. My younger brother doesn't have this problem. He's the most outgoing person. He doesn't care jack about what others think, he cares nothing for personal space (me, I barely touch anyone for fear of violating the personal bubble, unless someone does so first), and goes and does whatever he wants to. Granted, some of my personal retraction happened in response to his more forward nature in the past. I tend to retreat rather than get involved with him, or anyone else for that matter. I think it's because of the lesson I learned from reading Ender's Game as a child. Beat someone, and they'll probably come back later and worse than before, so the only way to win is to make it count the first time -- make sure they won't come back. That's why I have never once gotten into a fist fight of any kind in my life, because I knew I either didn't start it, or if I did I'd have to make sure the other person wasn't going to get back up for a long time.
Though, that doesn't explain the social retreating. Granted, I am by nature someone who likes to be alone at times, I do like social contact well enough. Thinking on it, one of the biggest reasons I don't go do things is the fear of inconveniencing people. Maybe because it's that I don't like to be inconvenienced, I don't know.
Man, I am so confused. I don't honestly know why I'm always so afraid to go and do things.
Also, introspection can really be a pain in the ass sometimes. Or, you know, almost always. One rarely finds pure and fluffy bunnies inside when one looks within. I rarely look without finding something new, though it is often a shade of things I've already known. I'm still not seeing all I want to know though.
I'm trying to figure myself out, truth be told. Trying to discover why it is I find myself so often timid. I chicken out of doing even the most simple of social things. I'm constantly analyzing what I've done at times, and in groups I seem to swing back and forth between introvert and extrovert. I'm either not speaking at all, and sort of just standing in the corner, or I'm laughing my ass off, and rather loudly at that. I think it's how at ease I feel, and I'm not sure exactly what triggers it. Though, I do think that I tend to go more quiet among groups of people who have known each other a while and have close bonds. Feeling like an outsider leads me to act like one I think.
I find myself often incapacitated to make the first move in any given situation, and I care too much about what others may think, even though I don't really care how any one individual might care. I think I'm frightened by getting in trouble. I've been such since as far back as like grade school. I remember my voice quivering and being near tears when confronted by an angry teacher or principal when in trouble. I carry an air of having no real reverence to anything in most cases, which is partly true, and yet, I think I at times have way too much reverence. I like to do the right thing, quite rigidly for some things, which partly explains my nervousness for crossing lines, perhaps. In taking so much care for not crossing lines and doing the wrong thing, I may have inadvertently created lines that do not really exist, or perhaps have skewed them.
Part of all this is simply lack of real feedback from true friends in my life. For many years now, I have tended to really have just one really good friend at a time, and not really seen or done anything with anyone else. Needless to say, my social skills and knowledge of faux pas are quite lacking at times. I get along well enough with most people once conversation has started up, and I never really seem to repulse people, so that seems well enough.
Truthfully, I think my problem is boundaries. I don't know where they are. I don't know when I've gone too far, nor when I haven't gone far enough. What's more, I think I'm afraid that my particular way of thinking can be disturbing or too weird if I haven't given people enough time to adjust to me. With people I've known a while, I feel a lot more free saying what's on my mind, because I know that they know I don't always mean the weird things that I say, and that I've got a weird sense of humor. I have, at many times, something of a macabre sense of humor. Anyone who has listened to me irreverently mock the tv or the sad parts of something will know this. Hell, the family joke is that when one of us dies, we're going to cremate them, use the ashes to make soap, and create a family soap business. "Mom's soap, we put a little bit of us into cleaning a little bit of you." I like thinking everything's funny, but I don't know, I guess I worry that other people will be offended or put off. And I don't know why I care, nor why it's so important to make a good first impression that I often am too frightened to actually make one.
Much of my real mental doings are done on a lower level than rational thought when I am too shy to do things though. And I don't know why this is either. My younger brother doesn't have this problem. He's the most outgoing person. He doesn't care jack about what others think, he cares nothing for personal space (me, I barely touch anyone for fear of violating the personal bubble, unless someone does so first), and goes and does whatever he wants to. Granted, some of my personal retraction happened in response to his more forward nature in the past. I tend to retreat rather than get involved with him, or anyone else for that matter. I think it's because of the lesson I learned from reading Ender's Game as a child. Beat someone, and they'll probably come back later and worse than before, so the only way to win is to make it count the first time -- make sure they won't come back. That's why I have never once gotten into a fist fight of any kind in my life, because I knew I either didn't start it, or if I did I'd have to make sure the other person wasn't going to get back up for a long time.
Though, that doesn't explain the social retreating. Granted, I am by nature someone who likes to be alone at times, I do like social contact well enough. Thinking on it, one of the biggest reasons I don't go do things is the fear of inconveniencing people. Maybe because it's that I don't like to be inconvenienced, I don't know.
Man, I am so confused. I don't honestly know why I'm always so afraid to go and do things.
