It's so funny how hard it can be at times to believe what we already know to be true. I wonder why I'm so often this way with God. How many times have I gone through things and had him come through? Granted, he rarely comes through the way I expect or even like, but he does. If I distrusted anyone else the way I do with him, they would give me no small amount of grief, if not leave me altogether. It's weird how, whenever I question God I usually already know the answer, but still don't believe it or him.
I think that it might be due to how ephemeral he appears to be. He so rarely speaks directly or specifically to a given situation. And while he has made me one or two promises that I believe he will fulfill, they all seem far off, without any specific time to cling to. We're not guaranteed anything else either. I know he doesn't mean for me to die yet, for instance, since some off the things he promised me are at least a few years off, but he never said I'd get there smoothly or easily. I think about that sometimes, when bad things happen. My first reaction is like, well, I'm not going to die yet, but it doesn't mean it couldn't lay me out for a while.
I think that it might be due to how ephemeral he appears to be. He so rarely speaks directly or specifically to a given situation. And while he has made me one or two promises that I believe he will fulfill, they all seem far off, without any specific time to cling to. We're not guaranteed anything else either. I know he doesn't mean for me to die yet, for instance, since some off the things he promised me are at least a few years off, but he never said I'd get there smoothly or easily. I think about that sometimes, when bad things happen. My first reaction is like, well, I'm not going to die yet, but it doesn't mean it couldn't lay me out for a while.
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Date: 2017-03-16 08:35 am (UTC)From:A friend says my distrust of God comes from the fact that the "father who loves you no matter what" is a concept too difficult for me. My dad claims to love me, but he's toxic, negative, and abusive--and in the past, sometimes physically. But if I'm honest, I have trouble trusting anyone. I expect to be hurt and/or abandoned, and I let very few people close as a result. Most of them know just how broken I am. So some days, I'm very much left hoping that... well, if God knows our hearts, He probably understands better than I do why I am the way I am. And we know we can be forgiven, so I just keep believing in Him and hoping all the encouraging things we read in the Bible is true.
Sorry if this is over the top personal, I've just been thinking about it for awhile, and your entry there more or less triggered it. Feel free to delete!
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Date: 2017-03-16 01:53 pm (UTC)From:Needless to say I have mixed feelings toward God, though many of us do. I know he's always there, I know he works for our ultimate good, and that all he promised is true, but I end up not trusting him to do so in a manner I'm comfortable with. I definitely more often expect the stick from him rather than the carrot. One thing my mom taught me when praying, which I've often found helpful, if only in my mind, is to ask him to be gentle with me. Do whatever he wants, just be gentle. It gives me a peace of mind, regardless of whether he chooses to do so or not.
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Date: 2017-03-17 01:26 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2017-03-18 10:13 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2017-03-16 12:41 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2017-03-16 02:06 pm (UTC)From:I am thankful that my mom instilled certain ideas into my head at such an early age, one being that you can always go to God. The idea that whether I was good or bad, whether some issue was big or little, that I just always go to him, that has helped me through a lot of things. Heck, sometimes you even have to sit in your car and scream at him. It's not so much about the direct idea of whether or not he loves me, so much as knowing I can go to him. What he chooses to do (or not do) is up to him, of course, but he won't ever leave or forsake us. Of late, I find a particular phrase from one of the letters (Paul, I think) helping me: it's the one about how even if we are unfaithful, he will still be faithful.