kryptonitemonkey: (Default)
It's so funny how hard it can be at times to believe what we already know to be true. I wonder why I'm so often this way with God. How many times have I gone through things and had him come through? Granted, he rarely comes through the way I expect or even like, but he does. If I distrusted anyone else the way I do with him, they would give me no small amount of grief, if not leave me altogether. It's weird how, whenever I question God I usually already know the answer, but still don't believe it or him.

I think that it might be due to how ephemeral he appears to be. He so rarely speaks directly or specifically to a given situation. And while he has made me one or two promises that I believe he will fulfill, they all seem far off, without any specific time to cling to. We're not guaranteed anything else either. I know he doesn't mean for me to die yet, for instance, since some off the things he promised me are at least a few years off, but he never said I'd get there smoothly or easily. I think about that sometimes, when bad things happen. My first reaction is like, well, I'm not going to die yet, but it doesn't mean it couldn't lay me out for a while.

Date: 2017-03-16 08:35 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] sparowe
sparowe: (See)
I can relate to this. Some of the most surprising things I'd just given up on, I didn't expect help with, He came along and did His thing. It's not even me actively disbelieving, I've just... I don't expect much. I'm in this weird place where my faith is strong in that I hold to it, but I've never fallen into the "relationship with Jesus" camp (when I was raised in the Church this wasn't even an idea, and coming back to it has always felt somewhat false to me, like I'm talking about my invisible best friend), and I don't expect help, I guess because I don't expect to be rewarded for getting things wrong?

A friend says my distrust of God comes from the fact that the "father who loves you no matter what" is a concept too difficult for me. My dad claims to love me, but he's toxic, negative, and abusive--and in the past, sometimes physically. But if I'm honest, I have trouble trusting anyone. I expect to be hurt and/or abandoned, and I let very few people close as a result. Most of them know just how broken I am. So some days, I'm very much left hoping that... well, if God knows our hearts, He probably understands better than I do why I am the way I am. And we know we can be forgiven, so I just keep believing in Him and hoping all the encouraging things we read in the Bible is true.

Sorry if this is over the top personal, I've just been thinking about it for awhile, and your entry there more or less triggered it. Feel free to delete!

Date: 2017-03-17 01:26 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] sparowe
sparowe: (Compassion)
Thanks for sharing, I really needed to hear that.

Date: 2017-03-16 12:41 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] nilavae
nilavae: (Default)
I personally struggle with "How can you love someone like me?" Like it's hard for me to really believe that no matter what, he does love me. I 'know' he does, but 'accepting' it is the hard part. I felt this entry so much. Thanks for sharing.

Me!

kryptonitemonkey: (Default)
Kryptonite Monkey

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