(no subject)

[kryptonitemonkey]

It's so funny how hard it can be at times to believe what we already know to be true. I wonder why I'm so often this way with God. How many times have I gone through things and had him come through? Granted, he rarely comes through the way I expect or even like, but he does. If I distrusted anyone else the way I do with him, they would give me no small amount of grief, if not leave me altogether. It's weird how, whenever I question God I usually already know the answer, but still don't believe it or him.

I think that it might be due to how ephemeral he appears to be. He so rarely speaks directly or specifically to a given situation. And while he has made me one or two promises that I believe he will fulfill, they all seem far off, without any specific time to cling to. We're not guaranteed anything else either. I know he doesn't mean for me to die yet, for instance, since some off the things he promised me are at least a few years off, but he never said I'd get there smoothly or easily. I think about that sometimes, when bad things happen. My first reaction is like, well, I'm not going to die yet, but it doesn't mean it couldn't lay me out for a while.

Comments

[sparowe]

I can relate to this. Some of the most surprising things I'd just given up on, I didn't expect help with, He came along and did His thing. It's not even me actively disbelieving, I've just... I don't expect much. I'm in this weird place where my faith is strong in that I hold to it, but I've never fallen into the "relationship with Jesus" camp (when I was raised in the Church this wasn't even an idea, and coming back to it has always felt somewhat false to me, like I'm talking about my invisible best friend), and I don't expect help, I guess because I don't expect to be rewarded for getting things wrong?

A friend says my distrust of God comes from the fact that the "father who loves you no matter what" is a concept too difficult for me. My dad claims to love me, but he's toxic, negative, and abusive--and in the past, sometimes physically. But if I'm honest, I have trouble trusting anyone. I expect to be hurt and/or abandoned, and I let very few people close as a result. Most of them know just how broken I am. So some days, I'm very much left hoping that... well, if God knows our hearts, He probably understands better than I do why I am the way I am. And we know we can be forgiven, so I just keep believing in Him and hoping all the encouraging things we read in the Bible is true.

Sorry if this is over the top personal, I've just been thinking about it for awhile, and your entry there more or less triggered it. Feel free to delete!

[kryptonitemonkey]

Nah man, I feel you. I've had similar issues distrusting God because of my dad. Mine though, while abusive, was about as passive-aggressive as you can get (and had no idea he was even being abusive), so my problems tend to be more subtle; I have a lot of anxiety/fear issues due to never really knowing where the line is, thus always fearing getting in trouble for no discernible reason. I am ever thankful that while my dad basically represented the law aspect of God, my mom was a very good example of the love aspect. I'd be way more messed up if she hadn't been there. Even still, it's taken many years, a lot of medication, and counseling to come anywhere close to what most people consider normal.

Needless to say I have mixed feelings toward God, though many of us do. I know he's always there, I know he works for our ultimate good, and that all he promised is true, but I end up not trusting him to do so in a manner I'm comfortable with. I definitely more often expect the stick from him rather than the carrot. One thing my mom taught me when praying, which I've often found helpful, if only in my mind, is to ask him to be gentle with me. Do whatever he wants, just be gentle. It gives me a peace of mind, regardless of whether he chooses to do so or not.

[sparowe]

Thanks for sharing, I really needed to hear that.

[kryptonitemonkey]

Any time. ^_^

[nilavae]

I personally struggle with "How can you love someone like me?" Like it's hard for me to really believe that no matter what, he does love me. I 'know' he does, but 'accepting' it is the hard part. I felt this entry so much. Thanks for sharing.

[kryptonitemonkey]

I think we all ask that question at some point or other. I think I ask that question every time I screw up and sin horribly. I think it's easier to understand in terms of family or even having a pet. You just love them, even when they're being retarded or shitty. I imagine parents get to experience an even better understanding of it.

I am thankful that my mom instilled certain ideas into my head at such an early age, one being that you can always go to God. The idea that whether I was good or bad, whether some issue was big or little, that I just always go to him, that has helped me through a lot of things. Heck, sometimes you even have to sit in your car and scream at him. It's not so much about the direct idea of whether or not he loves me, so much as knowing I can go to him. What he chooses to do (or not do) is up to him, of course, but he won't ever leave or forsake us. Of late, I find a particular phrase from one of the letters (Paul, I think) helping me: it's the one about how even if we are unfaithful, he will still be faithful.