(no subject)

[kryptonitemonkey]

It's so funny how hard it can be at times to believe what we already know to be true. I wonder why I'm so often this way with God. How many times have I gone through things and had him come through? Granted, he rarely comes through the way I expect or even like, but he does. If I distrusted anyone else the way I do with him, they would give me no small amount of grief, if not leave me altogether. It's weird how, whenever I question God I usually already know the answer, but still don't believe it or him.

I think that it might be due to how ephemeral he appears to be. He so rarely speaks directly or specifically to a given situation. And while he has made me one or two promises that I believe he will fulfill, they all seem far off, without any specific time to cling to. We're not guaranteed anything else either. I know he doesn't mean for me to die yet, for instance, since some off the things he promised me are at least a few years off, but he never said I'd get there smoothly or easily. I think about that sometimes, when bad things happen. My first reaction is like, well, I'm not going to die yet, but it doesn't mean it couldn't lay me out for a while.

Comments

[pixelzomblina]

I personally struggle with "How can you love someone like me?" Like it's hard for me to really believe that no matter what, he does love me. I 'know' he does, but 'accepting' it is the hard part. I felt this entry so much. Thanks for sharing.

[kryptonitemonkey]

I think we all ask that question at some point or other. I think I ask that question every time I screw up and sin horribly. I think it's easier to understand in terms of family or even having a pet. You just love them, even when they're being retarded or shitty. I imagine parents get to experience an even better understanding of it.

I am thankful that my mom instilled certain ideas into my head at such an early age, one being that you can always go to God. The idea that whether I was good or bad, whether some issue was big or little, that I just always go to him, that has helped me through a lot of things. Heck, sometimes you even have to sit in your car and scream at him. It's not so much about the direct idea of whether or not he loves me, so much as knowing I can go to him. What he chooses to do (or not do) is up to him, of course, but he won't ever leave or forsake us. Of late, I find a particular phrase from one of the letters (Paul, I think) helping me: it's the one about how even if we are unfaithful, he will still be faithful.