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I wish I knew where I was. Figuratively, of course. Physically, I'm staying with an old roommate and his girlfriend for a few days. I'm not sure as to where I'm headed after this weekend. I've been sending out a bunch of resumes (how I wish I had a number pad to add an accent to that e), but I'm not sure if anything will pan out, particularly by the time I have to leave here this weekend.
I keep wondering what, if anything, God is going to do here. If nothing, then I have to find a place to store my car and fly to Maine to live with my folks for a while. I'm starting to look forward to that, even if it feels like failure on my part, which it partly is. I think that the one thing that keeps me hesitating on the idea isn't what anyone would think but, rather, a personal vow not to fly as long as it requires those who do to relinquish rights that are supposed to be our, well, rights. I don't usually care that much about things going on around me, this or that law, but this stripping away of some of our most basic rights in the name of security (and that a huge joke) makes me sick.
If I do end up having to fly, it will feel at least as badly as the physical molestation they like to give. It sickens me how quickly I can contemplate violating one of my beliefs over necessity. I can't recall which founding father said it, but one of them said something along the way of, those that give up liberty for safety deserve neither. The idea that in order to return to my parents, in of itself a failure in my mind, I must throw away my innocence until proven guilty, my freedom from illegal search and seizure without cause, and must be either bombarded with radiation or molested...well, let's just say that the entire idea indeed sickens me deeply.
I don't know what I'm going to do here. I have no more money, barely any gas in my car, and have only a large box of cereal remaining for food (and the occasional meal from my friend when he is able), and I don't even know what I want any more. It certainly doesn't help anything that as my stress increases, my anti-anxiety/depression medication stops being as effective as once was. Nothing I can really do about it, but it's still quite frustrating.
I am surprisingly calm about all of this...I think, but I'm not feeling particularly peaceful, either. My default, as anxiety kicks in ever more, has always been to shut down. I badly want to, though I know it will accomplish nothing. Blarg.
Interesting. The mood list on lj has neither afraid nor fearful. How odd.
I keep wondering what, if anything, God is going to do here. If nothing, then I have to find a place to store my car and fly to Maine to live with my folks for a while. I'm starting to look forward to that, even if it feels like failure on my part, which it partly is. I think that the one thing that keeps me hesitating on the idea isn't what anyone would think but, rather, a personal vow not to fly as long as it requires those who do to relinquish rights that are supposed to be our, well, rights. I don't usually care that much about things going on around me, this or that law, but this stripping away of some of our most basic rights in the name of security (and that a huge joke) makes me sick.
If I do end up having to fly, it will feel at least as badly as the physical molestation they like to give. It sickens me how quickly I can contemplate violating one of my beliefs over necessity. I can't recall which founding father said it, but one of them said something along the way of, those that give up liberty for safety deserve neither. The idea that in order to return to my parents, in of itself a failure in my mind, I must throw away my innocence until proven guilty, my freedom from illegal search and seizure without cause, and must be either bombarded with radiation or molested...well, let's just say that the entire idea indeed sickens me deeply.
I don't know what I'm going to do here. I have no more money, barely any gas in my car, and have only a large box of cereal remaining for food (and the occasional meal from my friend when he is able), and I don't even know what I want any more. It certainly doesn't help anything that as my stress increases, my anti-anxiety/depression medication stops being as effective as once was. Nothing I can really do about it, but it's still quite frustrating.
I am surprisingly calm about all of this...I think, but I'm not feeling particularly peaceful, either. My default, as anxiety kicks in ever more, has always been to shut down. I badly want to, though I know it will accomplish nothing. Blarg.
Interesting. The mood list on lj has neither afraid nor fearful. How odd.
