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I always feel like such a whiner, posting mostly the negative things going on in my life at times. Granted, there's been much less of the gleeful of late. Most of my good moments are those little things you don't really ever write about -- someone gives you half their soda, a chocolate chip pancake, finding a quarter, petting a cat, that sort of thing.
I'm not really sure where I'm at emotionally right now. I've thus far been able to stay with friends while searching for work these past 2-3 weeks, but that time is coming to an end with this week. Aside from the panic I've been trying to shove down (not very well, sadly), the frustration, feelings of failure, and depression, I'm now just trying to figure out how to get home to my folks'.
It looks possible that I'll be able to store my car with a friend, so that's one load off my mind (more so when I can get it confirmed), and now I have to try to manage a plane ticket home. It pains me terribly, but I've put my xbox up on craigslist to see if I can wrangle any cash, but I only have a day or so, so we'll see how it goes. As it was the one major purchase I made with the money from my last job, it feels a lot more like failure than most anything else to give it up. It was the one thing I earned by myself, so it sucks to do this.
I just, I dunno... I'm so tired of trying when I keep hitting a deeper bottom each time. I can't give up, but it gets harder and harder. Bleh.
I know things will get better one day, but I really don't know how to get there, how to survive until I figure out how to live life. I hate, too, knowing that some of this is a chemical deficiency in my brain yet not able to distance myself from it nor cease believing the cloak of negativity it spreads. How does one change that which they believe, even knowing it to be a lie?
I'm not really sure where I'm at emotionally right now. I've thus far been able to stay with friends while searching for work these past 2-3 weeks, but that time is coming to an end with this week. Aside from the panic I've been trying to shove down (not very well, sadly), the frustration, feelings of failure, and depression, I'm now just trying to figure out how to get home to my folks'.
It looks possible that I'll be able to store my car with a friend, so that's one load off my mind (more so when I can get it confirmed), and now I have to try to manage a plane ticket home. It pains me terribly, but I've put my xbox up on craigslist to see if I can wrangle any cash, but I only have a day or so, so we'll see how it goes. As it was the one major purchase I made with the money from my last job, it feels a lot more like failure than most anything else to give it up. It was the one thing I earned by myself, so it sucks to do this.
I just, I dunno... I'm so tired of trying when I keep hitting a deeper bottom each time. I can't give up, but it gets harder and harder. Bleh.
I know things will get better one day, but I really don't know how to get there, how to survive until I figure out how to live life. I hate, too, knowing that some of this is a chemical deficiency in my brain yet not able to distance myself from it nor cease believing the cloak of negativity it spreads. How does one change that which they believe, even knowing it to be a lie?
