![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
This is to be my last night in this house I live in; well, unless I can talk my housemate into crashing on the couch tomorrow night after putting all my stuff into storage. Sigh. I understand, to a point, where he stands in this whole thing, but I surely don't like it. He made it quite clear that it doesn't matter any more if I have money for rent or anything. I'm not of "the same heart" as the rest of the house which, again, I can empathize with a little, but it's still bullshit.
I've definitely come to the point where I really do think this is not a healthy house for me to be in the long run, but the way that everything unfolded here leaves a most unpleasantly bitter taste in my mouth. This kid, at 22-23, owns a house thanks to his folks. He's been blessed with a lot of nice things, and has noted it. He even speaks of wanting to be a good steward of what he's been given and does take quite good care of the house. That said, I'm finding it difficult to get over how ungenerous he's been - to me and to others. I mean, he has several times this summer gone away on trips and mission trips, each lasting at least two weeks. During this time, did he let the married couple who lives here, and with whom is good friends, use his car, even for going to work or running errands? No, he left it to me, the unemployed guy, to lend them mine. Don't get me wrong, it has worked out okay, and they even put gas in it on occasion, but it still strikes me as rather dickishly lacking in giving.
That this guy has been through this ministry school and is involved in the healing room ministry at church only grates on me the more. I am, by no means, entirely blameless in this all. I have indeed been lacking in funds twice now (though I did eventually come through), and, thanks in large part to burdensome anxiety, have not been as diligent in acquiring work as either of us would like. That said, I am quite frustrated to be living in a house full of other christians, centering their very lives on following after God, who seem to vastly lack a love for one another. Their young ages do contribute some, but still, really? I have, on a few occasions now, run completely out of food, with no immediate way to get more, to have it go almost completely unnoticed. Thankfully, though I've missed a meal here or there, God has come through with this or that; however, to repeatedly sit there, hungry, while several housemates recount the amazing miracles they've witnessed or performed causes quite a lot of anger in me; some righteous, some not.
What's worse, I've been so anxiety-riddled that I've not done what I ought, which is to step up and call them out for not loving their brother standing right the fuck in front of them. My housie who owns the place has this really chill look to him, but exudes worry and a bit of criticality, which I am so sensitive to and takes so much nerve just talking to him. Blech. It's hard to call people out though, that's for sure. I'm never sure where the line is: where it is my bad, where it is theirs, and where it's simply a sucky situation with no one to blame. Add to that how I'm living under the guy's roof, with a dash of fear of him showing even less mercy than he already does should I confront him, and I have a rather unpleasant cocktail of fear, guilt, and such. When your fate rests in the hands of someone who has shown less kindness, one has difficulty rocking the boat, even when it should be. I used to be in a similar situation with my dad, and it never really taught me how to handle it.
Tomorrow I take a rather formidable and scary step. Tomorrow I have to move out. Since I don't have a place, and won't even know if I have a job for possibly a few more days, I have to put all my stuff into storage and try to figure out where I can possibly, you know, live. I have a friend a few hours away who would take me in in a heartbeat, but is currently staying with someone until he is able to move to house he's buying, so is unable to for at least two or three weeks. At least back in Boulder, when my lease was up and I had just gotten a job, I had a number of friends who let me crash on their couches. Here...not so much.
I tried going to the church and talking to a pastor about my situation, but he couldn't do much more than take my information and pray for me. There aren't any facilities for my needs, he said, and I guess no families or anything with a spare room. Well, there are a number of rooms in the area, but they're all set up for the constant stream of people visiting and charge $20-30 a night. I'm told it's a very European thing to do. Cheaper than a hotel, to be sure, but when you don't know where your next meal is coming from (thank you mom for telling me you'll never let me starve and will do whatever it takes to so do), the difference is no longer of any help.
If God hadn't given me some peace yesterday, I would still be majorly freaking out right now. There's still a bit of worry that surfaces, and a sadness languors in me, but at least I have to peace I need to function. I keep trying to focus on God's promises, though I'm not entirely sure what those are, but I'm attempting it.
Tired now. Tomorrow's a big, void-like unknown.
I've definitely come to the point where I really do think this is not a healthy house for me to be in the long run, but the way that everything unfolded here leaves a most unpleasantly bitter taste in my mouth. This kid, at 22-23, owns a house thanks to his folks. He's been blessed with a lot of nice things, and has noted it. He even speaks of wanting to be a good steward of what he's been given and does take quite good care of the house. That said, I'm finding it difficult to get over how ungenerous he's been - to me and to others. I mean, he has several times this summer gone away on trips and mission trips, each lasting at least two weeks. During this time, did he let the married couple who lives here, and with whom is good friends, use his car, even for going to work or running errands? No, he left it to me, the unemployed guy, to lend them mine. Don't get me wrong, it has worked out okay, and they even put gas in it on occasion, but it still strikes me as rather dickishly lacking in giving.
That this guy has been through this ministry school and is involved in the healing room ministry at church only grates on me the more. I am, by no means, entirely blameless in this all. I have indeed been lacking in funds twice now (though I did eventually come through), and, thanks in large part to burdensome anxiety, have not been as diligent in acquiring work as either of us would like. That said, I am quite frustrated to be living in a house full of other christians, centering their very lives on following after God, who seem to vastly lack a love for one another. Their young ages do contribute some, but still, really? I have, on a few occasions now, run completely out of food, with no immediate way to get more, to have it go almost completely unnoticed. Thankfully, though I've missed a meal here or there, God has come through with this or that; however, to repeatedly sit there, hungry, while several housemates recount the amazing miracles they've witnessed or performed causes quite a lot of anger in me; some righteous, some not.
What's worse, I've been so anxiety-riddled that I've not done what I ought, which is to step up and call them out for not loving their brother standing right the fuck in front of them. My housie who owns the place has this really chill look to him, but exudes worry and a bit of criticality, which I am so sensitive to and takes so much nerve just talking to him. Blech. It's hard to call people out though, that's for sure. I'm never sure where the line is: where it is my bad, where it is theirs, and where it's simply a sucky situation with no one to blame. Add to that how I'm living under the guy's roof, with a dash of fear of him showing even less mercy than he already does should I confront him, and I have a rather unpleasant cocktail of fear, guilt, and such. When your fate rests in the hands of someone who has shown less kindness, one has difficulty rocking the boat, even when it should be. I used to be in a similar situation with my dad, and it never really taught me how to handle it.
Tomorrow I take a rather formidable and scary step. Tomorrow I have to move out. Since I don't have a place, and won't even know if I have a job for possibly a few more days, I have to put all my stuff into storage and try to figure out where I can possibly, you know, live. I have a friend a few hours away who would take me in in a heartbeat, but is currently staying with someone until he is able to move to house he's buying, so is unable to for at least two or three weeks. At least back in Boulder, when my lease was up and I had just gotten a job, I had a number of friends who let me crash on their couches. Here...not so much.
I tried going to the church and talking to a pastor about my situation, but he couldn't do much more than take my information and pray for me. There aren't any facilities for my needs, he said, and I guess no families or anything with a spare room. Well, there are a number of rooms in the area, but they're all set up for the constant stream of people visiting and charge $20-30 a night. I'm told it's a very European thing to do. Cheaper than a hotel, to be sure, but when you don't know where your next meal is coming from (thank you mom for telling me you'll never let me starve and will do whatever it takes to so do), the difference is no longer of any help.
If God hadn't given me some peace yesterday, I would still be majorly freaking out right now. There's still a bit of worry that surfaces, and a sadness languors in me, but at least I have to peace I need to function. I keep trying to focus on God's promises, though I'm not entirely sure what those are, but I'm attempting it.
Tired now. Tomorrow's a big, void-like unknown.
