A glimmering of thought

I would probably never have watched it of my own decision, but my housemate threw on the movie How It Ends and I got pulled in by it. I have to say, it's quite an interesting watch. Loved the ending. And despite the occasional dumbass decision the main guy makes at times, overall it's a great watch.

Also, Smash Bros Ultimate dropped last week and I've been playing it a crap-ton. Dang does it have a lot of characters. Every character from every smash game, as well as every level.

I've been much entranced by several games over the past few months; one right after the other. First it was Octopath Traveler, followed concurrently with Bravely Second. After the latter finished, I restarted Bravely Default (and I'm already missing a few of the improved features from the sequel) and started playing Horizon Zero Dawn. I'm digging Zero Dawn, and don't mind most of the crafting stuff that turns some folks off. I'd say it handles somewhere between Far Cry and Assassin's Creed. I die way too often, but overall it's quite enjoyable.

I must say as well that I am totally crushing on the main character, Aloy (I find it amusing that her name is basically alloy, and her "father" is basically rust). She's beautiful, to be sure, though that's hardly uncommon in games, but I just really dig everything about her. Her hair, her quiet reserve, heartfeltness, her voice...man, I just dig everything about her. Guh. It's just the worst having to spend so much time with someone you can't have. Ah well.

Lacunae perhaps? I wonder what it is about online journals that so many people give up on them, and so quickly at that. I've been using mine, first on livejournal, then here, since what, 2002-ish? But not a single one of the other journals I've friended or followed over the years kept with it. Many lasted less than a year; most, come to think of it. I guess I feel like if you're going to go to all the trouble of creating something, don't let it vanish into the aether. Granted, I use this much less often than I did in the first year and have at times gone a month or three between posts, but I've never ceased.

Maybe I still use it because I don't often have a reliable outlet for my thoughts or gripes. Plus, writing my thoughts down really helps me process things. Something about being forced to slow my thinking down in order to put it on screen or paper. Plus, it's still a hell of a lot easier and quicker to write here than in the pen and paper journal I keep next to my bed and barely ever use anymore. The irony in that one is that I don't write as much in the real journal because my life is less angsty and thus needs much less expressing. I kept having days where I would just sit in bed and look at it with literally nothing new to say. Without the hormones of youth to make everything so much more momentous, I'm okay with not having as much to write about. Truth be told, I think I'm also just out of the habit. As with many endeavors, one must use it or lose it.

My writings in general tend to be lot more stream-of-conscious than I like to admit and tend to meander. But that can be good for me as well, as it means that I had much in my head that needed pondering and venting. I've always had interest in so many disparate areas and ideas that I am rarely able to sit down to commit to any one thing, and my writing shows it. The few attempts I made back in the day at writing fic (most revolving around the first few seasons of Smallville) mainly ended up being vignettes. Some people could write entire epics given the same time and topic, but I excelled in the short spurts of creativity. It's ever interesting going back to read the things I once wrote. Some make me squirm to think I actually wrote such a thing, or at its simplicity, but I am also gladdened to find as oft as nought (naught?) my work stands up.

I actually find it a tad depressing when I reread some of the funnier things I wrote, as it makes me wonder where went my whit. It's like, why am I not this funny anymore? Of course, some of that old creativity came from hormones and from some pretty major depression/anxiety, none of which I would return to in exchange. I don't know what it is about being in a funk, but it can power some pretty mighty creativity at times. I wrote so much poetry in my more hormonal, angsty moments... Ah, memories.

The wifi on my laptop has been out for something like two weeks now. I've come to the conclusion that the humidity caused by the swamp cooler is to blame, as the last time this happened for such a long period of time was when I was living in Maine, which is very humid. Either way, the wifi card in this thing has been temperamental several times in the past, so I bit the bullet and bought myself a little usb wifi dongle. It's nice to have internet somewhere other than on my phone or PS4. This is really the only place I stream music and such, or watch much youtube, so having it down has been frustrating. And now it's not! Now I only have to worry about the constant problem of the fan on this thing cutting out and potentially frying my computer.

Also, it is once again far too hot here. Got up to 108 yesterday, and I'm sure it was at least that hot today, and probably will remain so for the near future. Blech. The swamp cooler does its best, but it can only do so much. Plus it makes it all humid in here. Hot and moist is only a good thing when it comes to cooking turkeys or chickens.

So what's the deal with all the russian language on this and other web journals? I find it odd that english and russian seem to be the only main languages represented in the journaling community in general. English I get, because duh, it's mine and know my own culture well enough to hazard a few guesses as to why we find it so popular. I do not, however, know the Russian culture, nor why they seem to enjoy blogging as much as we. Perhaps more poignantly, why are there no other languages represented in things such as trending terms? Are there other major journals/blogs about that cater to specific country web suffixes, so I'm just speeding on by them without being aware? I can guess there is a Chinese equivalent or two behind the great firewall, which none of us would ever, ever want to use due to stringent speech policies, but what of other places? Dreamwidth.fr or some such?

Also, if perhaps there are specific language sites for journaling and whatnot, why still so much of the Russian bloggers? There is a mystery here, perhaps easily solved, and I am intrigued. I love languages and mysteries, so this seems apt.

I have now, unexpectedly, seen it two nights in a row, and it is positively hilarious. There were enough moments to repeat and quote for years to come. Every single aspect of it perfected on what they did in the first movie. Simply spectacular. I couldn't stop laughing through the entirety, and even the last song played during the end credits had me rolling. And yes, stay for the credit scenes, plural.

I can't think of a single part of this one that didn't feel like perfect, exactly Deadpool. Well, I still hold that they don't make his face look hideous enough, but that's a minor quibble. I can't believe how many little jokes and nods to the comics were made, and often done in such a way that even non-comic readers would be amused. Also, a little annoyance I had with the first movie was a rather minimal breaking of the 4th wall by Deadpool, but how thrilled I was by this one! The first movie had to spend a lot of time on the origin stuff, but this one allows them to start full out and never stop.

I keep geeking out and laughing at so many jokes and gags that happen throughout. There are no low points, no bits that lag, and every part from start to end is pure gold. Holy crap is this movie fun. Probably already one of my favorite movies in the past decade. There wasn't a single thing that had me coming out wishing they had done more of, or better. I think the perfect meme for this would be the "just right" Pacha from Emperor's New Groove.

I'm definitely getting to that point where I'm seriously considering starting to look for a new job. You'll notice the layers there. I've always been terribly anxious when it comes to job hunting and updating my resume (haha, the dictionary doesn't recognize the real word résumé), and I've never actually had the chance before to do so while still employed. I've only had a handful of jobs, and got laid off of two of them, and moved away from another two, so I'm not exactly familiar with looking for work when I already have some. Not to mention I've never before been able to do it without the enormous crushing weight of impending doom to force me to. In general I'm much less anxious than I used to be, but job stuff still makes me strongly hesitate. But I really need to, so I'll get to it. It's mulling around in my mind, and one day it will reach a head. Not right now, as it's four in the morning and I need to get to bed in the next hour or so...

I caved a week or two back and bought the Kingdom Hearts Final Mix pack. Save for 358/2 and possibly Recoded, it has all KH games made, and gussied up. I beat KH1 fairly quickly, tried Chain of Memories for maybe a half hour, watched through the entirety of 358/2 (they show all the text and cut-scenes, so you get the gist of the whole story), and just finished KH2. KH2 is such a fun game, every time I play it. Final Mix is interesting, as they add a bit of content, as well as tweak quite a bit. Some changes I like, some I don't, but overall it's quite fun. It has more collectables throughout, that's for sure. It adds a whole new drive form, and a few other neat changes. How can you get mad at a +30 AP ring? One thing it does is add an extra, more difficult area for late game playthrough, leading up to a room where you can refight every single one of Organization XIII (including the ones killed in previous games, but you can fight their shadow/memory or some such), but with their difficulty cranked up to 11. Even at max level 99 and with the best weapon and pretty much everything maxed, I still only was able to beat maybe three of them. And those I managed because I watched a youtube video for an hour explaining how to survive each one. I do find it frustrating when I max level, because there's rarely anywhere else to go, and it's not like you can go level and come back to fight on a better standing. Still, it's one of the few RPGs I've even bothered to try and 100% (though not quite as hard for this Final Mix version).

At least those data bosses have been good at making me better at the fighting. I still spam attack a lot, but there's actually more nuance to the game that I really didn't notice in previous plays. Like how useful block can be. Final Mix helped it be more useful somehow though, I think. I dunno. But anyway, I think I'm finished with it. Now to figure out what game to go on to next. I'm slightly full of KH, so I don't know if I'll immediately play Birth by Sleep or not, though the little I played of it before seemed fun enough. I played a few rounds of Titanfall 2 last night, which I haven't done in a few weeks, and was a pleasant, in-between aperitif, but one can only play so much multiplayer at a time, and I already played it a ton over Christmas. I'd contemplate coming back to play something on my laptop via Steam, but my fan on this thing has been ailing for a while now, and I really daren't put much stress on it, what with it only coming on intermittently. The fan/tablet thing I got to have it rest on and keep cool helps some, but not quite enough. I should probably get some canned air again, but it's only a stopgap for a fan that seems to be slightly askew internally, and will sometimes only work if I hold the laptop vertically, which is rather difficult to use thusly...

Anyway, I'm thinking maybe I'll buy Disgaea 5 after payday, though we'll see. If I can get anything decent from taxes this year, I might consider buying a Switch. My coworker has one and it is freaking awesome, particularly where you can pick it up and play like a gameboy, or plug it into the tv. Plus, Breath of the Wild has been a siren calling out to me for many moons.

On the work front, this week thus far has been really fun. Mostly because it hasn't been work as much as it has been learning. I just come alive when I have something new and interesting to explore, and boy does this new system have much to explore. Basically, our company bought this new, arguably more powerful and better software system/package, but didn't bother to actually train anyone on how it works. Each of our centers has slowly started rolling it out, but there's been a mixed bag of people not liking change, and not knowing how to use the damn thing. Part of the former is due to the latter, naturally. But my boss, who has many years experience, wanted us to be the center that shows not only the power of this new system, but that we are absolutely the best. So rather than just throw people on it and say, good luck, figure it out, he's gotten a few specific supervisors to take this week to take the time to learn the system inside and out, tinker, take it apart, break it, and pick the brains of those who have used it of every little scrap they have figured out.

I love learning new things, especially computer things. The hours have just flown by the past two days as I've spent searching through various help/knowledge bases for tidbits, reverse-engineering things other centers do to figure out how they did something, and just generally soaking up the input. INPUT!, as Number 5 would say. I know things will get back to normal humdrum soon enough, but dang, I haven't so much fun at work in a very long time. Even the frustrating bits are fun to investigate. I'm sadly not great at taking notes though. I tend to learn in order to internalize, and I can usually teach people fairly well, but just don't like technical type writing. I find it ironic, seeing how much I love language and words, and how much I enjoy finding an apt phrase or word, that I so thoroughly don't like writing so much of it. Give me a journal, or something creative to write about and I can talk/write your ear off, but I oddly don't like taking notes or writing reports/debriefs. Partly it's the repetition and banality of some of it, or how stupid it is after I've just written down the pertinent numbers to have to write a bunch of lines explaining that the bad numbers are, in fact, bad.

I walk a very odd line between creativity/whimsy and efficiency. For all my mathiness, I tend to more go with the flow and feel things out rather than plan. I used to have to plan everything, so I don't always know what to make of it. Honestly, part of it is that I often don't care enough to put more of my precious mental/physical energy toward doing more. But learning, now that's something else! I love figuring things out, finally getting something to work as it is supposed to. Programming was absolutely perfect for me in that regard. Hours spent pulling out your hair, asking why the hell it won't compile or work correctly, but it all pays off when that last bit clicks into place! Let's try this. Nope, maybe this? No, that's close, but not enough. Now it's completely wrong. Oh wait, I spelled that wrong, or forgot that semicolon! YES! Trying to learn this new system has given me a lot of that YES feeling. I get it, and I'm quick to get it, and I love it. Granted, as with many things, it definitely has its parts that leave you asking what the hell the creators were thinking when they made an option just so, or didn't put something simple our old system has in. I am having fun though, so yay. Makes me realize how little fun my job has been up until now, though.

I was seriously thinking of finding other work the past month or so, though the thought has definitely been pushed back by this week. But most likely this is just a temporary reprieve. I need a job that I care about, that feels like I'm actually doing something important, even if it's somehow stupid. The cry of the modern man, yeah? Give me something that matters. I've never once wanted to be a woodworker or handyman like my dad, but I absolutely see the satisfaction that comes from having tangible results for your efforts. I've enjoyed my work to some degree, but as with many things in the corporate world today, it's rather meaningless. Poorly written, heavy-handed, and overly obtuse surveys and push-polls do not ever strike me as important work; the opposite, in fact. I'm adding to the problem. Even some of the customer satisfaction stuff is like: are we slightly awesome, or really awesome? And so much of this business is immediate results and what have you done for me today. It doesn't matter that we have done well on this half dozen jobs, it's just this one thing that went wrong that we care about. Regardless of whether we were warned by you at the beginning... Bah. Anyway, yeah.

I've thought on the subject of my mental state on many occasions. I'm ever amazed how difficult it is to really describe, explain, or understand. It's odd how it can be both normal and abnormal at the same time. Even in the midst of deep depression/anxiety, I always knew that something wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Yet, you live in any circumstance long enough and it becomes your normal. We're adaptable like that. But living in such is still living broken. It took me moving out on my own for the first time, after college, that it finally came to a head enough for me to do something about it.

I tend to describe my pre-medication and counseling condition as crippling. I honestly could have been considered disabled and gotten government aid for it, and had people like my grandmother advising me to do just that. I'm not sure if it was pride, or what, but I just couldn't make myself do it. Regardless, I know of what I speak when I talk about it. But even in my deepest, darkest moments, I found it quite difficult to explain to others. I always likened it to someone screaming into a megaphone in my ear that I was afraid.

It astounds me how much of my mental processes are so majorly affected by a simple lack of serotonin, the happy juice. How easy it becomes to, well, become stuck in a loop; an endless soundtrack of worry, fear, uncertainty, doubt, and the occasional terror. That's mostly just the anxiety part. The depression part is more a lack of energy and a "why bother" type of attitude.

I once had it explained that, in part, one of the things these do is to break our internal, emotional, and physical batteries and make sure they don't ever properly recharge. Basically, when depressed or anxious, we are perpetually running on emergency power, and it takes undo amounts of rest to regain even a small fraction of what most would consider normal function. I grew up what most would consider a rather extreme loner, and while part of that was because I really enjoyed reading or playing games on my own, much of it was due to necessity. I can't recall a single instance from around middle school through high school when I simply hung out at a friend's house. I usually had one best friend, and he would come over to my house fairly regularly to game, but even that grew rare in high school, when he went away to a boarding school.

Do you know how utterly alone one feels when you can't ever hang out with anyone? Of course, it became much more of a problem for me in college. I was way, way too anxious to want, or be able to, go away to college, so I went to my hometown college and lived at home. It did have the nice upside of being a hell of a lot cheaper, at least. I don't know why, but I was even too terrified to write the entrance essay. My mom had to go down there for me, and somehow helped get me in. Thankfully, my grades and ACT scores were excellent, so it wasn't like they didn't want me anyway. Man, I'm rambling...

I most vividly recall several instances in the last few years of college when several of my friends from my Young Life group got a house together and said I was free to come over any time. I don't know the precise reason for it, but an open invitation has always brought me stress and fear. I had to have things nailed down to remain in my comfort zone. But there were several times when I was out, or done with class, and wanted to go hang out, and had to internally fight and struggle just to swing by and see if anyone was home. I didn't have a cell phone yet (another cause for feeling a bit left out), so I had to just drive by. Several times, I would drive past the house, but would get so anxious that I just had to keep driving. Once I had to circle the block once or twice to work up the nerve. Other times, I would drive past and just go home. I remember crying afterwards, because it was just so difficult to do such an easy thing.

Mulling on it, I don't think anyone really knew how bad I was. Mom had an inkling, as I've always gone to her to talk, and she had to prod me to do things like get a job. But even with the few with which I spoke, I don't think many of them really understood just how bad I was. Over the years, I had managed to accumulate ways of coping that allowed me some semblance of normality. I probably just seemed to be a loner. I didn't stay up late, I wouldn't pull all-nighters, I didn't hang out much, etc. But boy was I hungry for people. I just couldn't handle them much, or for very long. One on one was always a lot easier. Felt less draining emotionally, for some reason. Get a dozen or two people all in the same room though, and I tend to go quiet and retreat a bit. Even when my meds are working fully, I still have difficulties with large groups or crowds.

I think it's an analytical thing. When your emotions are mostly negative, set to 11 on the megaphone, and you don't have the energy to deal with, or use, them, then you tend to sit back and analyze. Amusingly, it's what Vulcans do. When I have only one or two people to scan, it's easy for the mind to take in the data and deal accordingly. When it's a large crowd, with lots of voices all going at once, the brain can't parse it all, and can't seem to filter properly. There's no order of precedence, or something.

Specifically, I just learned that while sand seems plentiful, the kind used for building is increasingly scarce, to the point that there are lucrative black markets going on in parts of Asia moving sand about. Better than killing animals for it, I suppose, but dang. Also, if I had money to invest, it looks like builder's sand is a sure bet. More than that, it seems to be fairly uncommon knowledge for now for the general public. But Vietnam, for instance, looks to run out entirely of building sand (used in concrete and the like) in the next 2-3 years. Several countries, including China, have already banned the export of sand. Can you imagine what will happen worldwide once it becomes expensive, if not impossible, to build things anymore? No road repairs, no new buildings, that sort of thing? It's a bit scary to think about, honestly. Can concrete be recycled?

Also, I just binged season two of Stranger Things. It was decent. Except for the endings, I still like season one more though. Two did have a great ending. I think the main issue I have with this new season is that certain parts/characters in it seem like they're included for no reason, save maybe for setting them up for a potential season three. Ah well. Still a fun watch.